Still Drawing Lily and After First Chemo

This is an old post that I had tried to make and I was too tired to pull it together. I was going to update it and make it a current one for today, but instead decided to post it now and go on to my next post. Please bare with me. Thank you.

I'm still drawing the lily and snails. I've missed almost a whole week of it since my first chemo treatment. It was kind of hard on me. I was whipped out. They first gave me some medicine in the i.v. that they said might make me a little sleepy. Well I was very sleepy. I was going to listen to my book while they were doing it, but I couldn't stay awake and I didn't want to miss any of my book. I started to get a little sick at the near end of it and told them and they just told me to eat some more crackers. So I did. I didn't want to, but I did and surprisingly I did start to feel better. My sister had talked me into staying with her that day which I wasn't going to do. I thought it might be better if I went home the day of chemo because I might not feel good the next day. But she was very pressing that I stay with her that day.


I was so hot and bothered by my cloths. Anything touching me, especially my cloths was driving me nuts. Everything kind of hurt and kind of itched but not really. I felt like I was going through the worst menopause a person could go through. I would be sitting there just fine and suddenly I was so hot and sick I could barely stand it. I would have to stand and fan my self and try and get some cloths off me, then I would be alright 'til the next episode. This went on for a few days. I still have a little trouble with my skin feeling uncomfortable. It doesn't actually hurt but does, doesn't actually itch but does.

My muscles are hurting and aching a lot and my backbone is hurting a lot. My shoulders and knees. My knees just can't get warm no matter what I do. I haven't been able to sleep until last night I finally took a sleeping pill, which I have a concern about myself. The literature on the chemo specifically tells me not to take this particular medication by name no less. I had been talking to the oncology nurse about what to expect etc before doing chemo and I had mentioned this medication during our conversation. We talked about it. She never said a word about the fact that I wasn't suppose to take it while doing chemo! I read it in the papers she gave me to take home.

Once again I was very upset. I don't seem to have more than a few days without getting upset when I'm dealing with any of these people. It really is bothering me a lot. In fact far more than that. When I went in the next time....for chemo, I mentioned the fact that I wasn't suppose to take this. She was surprised and asked me where I got that info.! She had to come back to me no less than four times to finally tell me that the Dr. said it was ok to take it except for the night before chemo. I was not at all convinced. I'm still not. I feel very sad that I do not trust my Dr.s. I feel very sad about this. I guess later today I will google this information and medicine myself and find out how I feel about it. What a terrible thing. What a horrible thing. I wish once in my life I could just fully put myself in the hands of my Dr.s and feel comfort and security and the belief that I am in good hands and that I can close my eyes and feel GOOD. This just isn't the case, not for me nor for anyone. Never do this, please. Never. I have stories about being in the hospital that would not even be believed or even blamed on myself rather than the staff and so I shall not even go into them.

So anyway, this is Sunday and my chemo was dripped into my body on Tuesday. I'm still very tired and still having side effects that I wish I didn't have. This might be more draining and harder than I thought. I haven't drawn til today.

But, I listened to the end of Moby Dick today as I drew. What a wonderful pleasure. I loved every bit of it. A tedious, ton of verbiage never written in books today I dare say, yet still particularly interesting. I found that I love listening to a book while drawing far, far more than listening to music. I was really shocked at this at first. I thought that listening to someone talk; reading a book might be too distracting while trying to draw. As I spoke about earlier, it takes a lot of concentration and many decisions, thoughts and challenges to draw or paint or as I have found out, even more to photograph. Listening to someone talk and follow a story line while doing all this might have been far too much all at the same time.

Not so for some reasons. The largest one being....the book is all at one level so to speak. That is to say, that music keeps changing tempo and texture and, well....me. Music has a huge influence on the way that I feel at any given moment and that in turn reflects onto my drawing or painting. I've always known this as all artists do, so we then pick out music carefully to suit our needs. The music reflects the art....the art reflects the music and of course the artist reflects it all.

Herman Melville, author Moby Dick

Why not work on a project without music or even an audio book? Ack! Art is such a solitary thing by nature as it is. Far, far too solitary for many. Perhaps this is why so many have gone mad. At least one aspect of it we can say for sure. I have sat there in silence painting away or drawing my brains out with only my soul to listen to, believe me. It can be very pleasing and a good thing to do sometimes, sometimes. It's something to practice and of meditation for sure. To do this for hours or days on end for some and then to come back to the world and be "normal" is truly a practice and I'm not sure it really is normal. This is something that only artists will probably understand and have had experience with and will be nodding with agreement.Perhaps it's just me, but I think not.

Even with all I can not draw more than two hours without a break and this drives me crazy. I hate it. I want to draw four hours straight and I would be very pleased. Especially right now. I sit down with full desire and expecting to draw for hours and hours, far more than just a measely two hours and yet I have not been able to do it yet. Grrr. When I get past that, I shall come here and talk about it and understand how I did it so that I can do it again. I want to break that barrier. But, then there is the standing back and looking and waiting to see how it is. More than two hours at a time and I can't tell how it is looking. I've looked too long. Standing back five feet isn't enough. Turning away and not seeing is the only way. Looking fresh after a long while is the only way. I guess I ought to be looking at my drawing in a mirror though it is fixed and won't be changing much in so many ways at this point.

I'm off now to my sister's so that I can download another book...doing it on my computer takes hours and on her's only takes mins. That's the way it is. But, as I have just talked about, I shall spend some time with people and have lunch and thus not be mad today or tomorrow hopefully. It's good to do. I'm not sure what book I shall download next. I was thinking about Tale of Two Cities. I'm starving, I haven't eaten anything yet. Not good.