One year ago today

Morning Fog    photograph

It has been one year ago today when I found the lump that turned out to be cancer. I have gone through so many events, treatments and changes that I could not have expected.

I started this blog for two reasons. One was to help me keep doing my art and it did help me with that. Another reason was that I thought it might help me deal with cancer and it  did help me cope. My blog did help me with that at a certain level and for a certain time. It turned out that much of the time I was too sick to keep the blog up. I did however keep drawing some and making jeweling, which required much less thought for me.


At this point I have decided that I am changing my blog dramatically.

It feels much too personal now for me. It feels too personal to share when I want to give links to my blog for potential buyers and other artists. Even though I still barely have any hair I am really in recovery and I want to live that way. I want my blog to be about my art and thus about me, not about me and cancer anymore.

Therefore, shortly after this post I will be changing this blog and modifying it greatly. There will not be any links to cancer nor talk of cancer per say. It will be about my art. This now feels much better for me. I had thought about closing this altogether and starting a new one, but honestly I do like this blog. I have and do wear hats so it still makes sense. I have never gotten so many compliments on my summer straw hat as I have now. I think I will stick with hats forever. So the title seems just as good albeit strange.

I'm making this one last post just as a last statement and explanation for anyone who is actually reading this and following it. I want to move on from my cancer. I do not want to be a cancer person all my life. My heart goes out to all and anyone out there that does have cancer and especially anyone who has just found out he or she has cancer. I'm a year out and you can get there too. There is no pretending it is easy, but it can be done. Try to find ways to laugh be it silly movies or what ever. Most of all let yourself be tired, sick, or in a bad mood. It will go away especially if you let yourself be that way for a day or two or three.
Now I move on to better things and better times and I wish, hope and pray the same for all of you.

Aquarious Show

This is the photo of Beaver Marsh and me with my wig on.

I'm sorry it's been so terribly long since my last posting. This chemo has really knocked the wind out of me. I thought I would be better at handling this than I am. I have chemo every three weeks. Well the first week is a total throw away for me. I can't do anything. I can do just a tiny little bit, but it's really just by the skin of my teeth and it's really hard. Then I have to sleep for ever to recover. Even if I don't do anything, I have to sleep for ever. All I do is eat, sleep and run to the bathroom the whole week. Then the second week is a little better. I just don't sleep as much. By the middle of the third week I'm back to my normal self and I'm trying to catch up on everything that I didn't get to all those lost days. Then I'm right back to the cycle all over again. It's not a lot of fun. My oncologist said I was having a lot of side effects followed by, "there is only so much we can do about them.". O.K.

So at least I was able to get two photos enlarged a lot and wired and I brought them in for the show and they are hanging up. I'm not sure why I made them so big, but I sure did. They are both 30"x20". They came out good, but now I will have to store them if they don't sell. I got a lot of very nice and good feed back on both, but especially the one, "Beaver Marsh" . I liked that one too. I love that whole area. I love going there and how it makes me feel. I want to go there and paint one day too.
I will try to post more often again. I am half way through my chemo now. Then I will be starting the radiation. I want to get back on track with everything again. I felt so good when I was getting up early and drawing. I want to start that again, but I don't know if I can.  I will get better and back to things again. I just keep telling myself that.

This is the photo of Buzzards Roost after a storm with a full moon.

I got a wonderful "thinking of you" card from someone today, that I never expected. Rosemary sent me one just out of the blue. I know her from being on the Brunswick Art Works board. We know each other, but not really well. She found out I had cancer and then I saw her at one of the meetings that I finally got around to going to. She was so nice and wonderful to me. Now she has sent me a card out of the blue. It's so nice when people do things like that. It's almost kind of old fashioned these days. It's nice to get something like that in the mail, hand written and specially sent. Thanks Rosemary.

Development of Lily Drawing

Well it's been a hell of a two weeks since I had my chemo treatment. It was a bit hard. Now I have to go again just in another week. I just am beginning to feel better a bit and not even all the way yet and I only have yet another week to feel better yet. I thought I would only feel really bad for one week. Not all this time. Drawing is helping me not to feel too bad for myself. I can't believe I only have one week til I have to go back again and start this all over again. Ack! And this has only been one treatment so far. I guess I'm a big baby. This is going to be a longer haul than I thought it to be. Big sigh.

Well I have put some of my photos in an order I think to show how the lily drawing as progressed. I think it is interesting to see it. I want to see it and see if indeed it is interesting. So here it will be. Something from beginning to now...which is not done. There are still many hours to be done it to be done. The background is not even as black as it will be or at least in some places. I'm not sure about the background completely yet. The drawing will really begin to progress now. Texture and light and shade with many gradations. This will be the true tell of the drawing now. It is hard to show texture and pattern in black and white while not only giving away light to dark. I love black and white in photography too. It's the true measure of a photographer in my mind. It's really hard to get true black and true white while not blowing out the whites and then getting all the grays in middle. A good black and white photograph is probably one of the hardest things to do. I'm a better critic than a photographer. These photos of my art are not by any means to be looked at by those measures please. They are just simple records of a process and they are not done with any special light nor terrific care. I use a Nikon D90 that I love dearly. A gift from my older sister, Jackie for a Christmas present a couple years ago. I'm still learning how to use it properly.

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

There are many more stages of course and I thought about adding them but maybe I'll do that in another post. But if you look closely you might see some things like look like slight changes. They are slight changes but can make a difference in the composition in such a small "composition". Yes this still very much to do with composition besides two snails and a lily sitting on a page. I have to be very careful that the strong vertical thrust that goes up and off at a strong angle to the right is not TOO strong and over takes the complete drawing. It could be so strong that your eyes go right off the page even though there are two very strong snails there to draw your eyes in. There is the angle of the stem and the stamen and even the lily itself with it's folds. I have to make sure that it is anatomically correct too, for I could spent a hundred hours on the thing and a person could walk up and in two seconds simply say, "it's not right" and discount it with a shake of the head as if it's such a shame. And it would be. And so I had to make some correction to the stamen alignment with the stem this morning. It wasn't lining up as it should. You might see it and catch it in the earlier stages. For one thing it simply wasn't thick enough for such a large flower such as this to hold it up even in this stage of decay and it wasn't thick enough of the stamen nor aligned for it. I corrected that. I also did not like the negative space and I'm still not so sure of it. But, I gave just a bit more angle to the right side of the lily bottom petal to give more agnle back to the center of the drawing, bringing the eye back in again. It's very subtle and might need even more. The whole right side is not of my liking yet. I think I'll have to widen the black and cut off some of the white on the left. ug. But I might need to do that. I also added to the bottom right petal to bring the eye back up too. It's subtle but needed. There will be many soft black edges with some sharp edges. That will be much of what this drawing is about.

I have spent several mins trying to put these two side by side so that there could be a comparison but this program will simply not allow such a thing. This new year they changed some of the programing and have made it much harder to add photos. Thanks. Someone has to keep a job so they have to keep changing things I suppose. Why not make it easier then?? There are only three choices now for the size and they are not compatible to the given format. The one I was actually given by them...where is the logic in that. Oh well. So here is what I am given that I can do. so be it. I'm not a programmer so I can't change it. I suppose I will learn more about doing these things but I haven't the time for it now. Sorry. The changes that you might see here are so small they don't look like much but think of it much larger, it's 18 by 24 or something like that.

Still Drawing Lily and After First Chemo

This is an old post that I had tried to make and I was too tired to pull it together. I was going to update it and make it a current one for today, but instead decided to post it now and go on to my next post. Please bare with me. Thank you.

I'm still drawing the lily and snails. I've missed almost a whole week of it since my first chemo treatment. It was kind of hard on me. I was whipped out. They first gave me some medicine in the i.v. that they said might make me a little sleepy. Well I was very sleepy. I was going to listen to my book while they were doing it, but I couldn't stay awake and I didn't want to miss any of my book. I started to get a little sick at the near end of it and told them and they just told me to eat some more crackers. So I did. I didn't want to, but I did and surprisingly I did start to feel better. My sister had talked me into staying with her that day which I wasn't going to do. I thought it might be better if I went home the day of chemo because I might not feel good the next day. But she was very pressing that I stay with her that day.


I was so hot and bothered by my cloths. Anything touching me, especially my cloths was driving me nuts. Everything kind of hurt and kind of itched but not really. I felt like I was going through the worst menopause a person could go through. I would be sitting there just fine and suddenly I was so hot and sick I could barely stand it. I would have to stand and fan my self and try and get some cloths off me, then I would be alright 'til the next episode. This went on for a few days. I still have a little trouble with my skin feeling uncomfortable. It doesn't actually hurt but does, doesn't actually itch but does.

My muscles are hurting and aching a lot and my backbone is hurting a lot. My shoulders and knees. My knees just can't get warm no matter what I do. I haven't been able to sleep until last night I finally took a sleeping pill, which I have a concern about myself. The literature on the chemo specifically tells me not to take this particular medication by name no less. I had been talking to the oncology nurse about what to expect etc before doing chemo and I had mentioned this medication during our conversation. We talked about it. She never said a word about the fact that I wasn't suppose to take it while doing chemo! I read it in the papers she gave me to take home.

Once again I was very upset. I don't seem to have more than a few days without getting upset when I'm dealing with any of these people. It really is bothering me a lot. In fact far more than that. When I went in the next time....for chemo, I mentioned the fact that I wasn't suppose to take this. She was surprised and asked me where I got that info.! She had to come back to me no less than four times to finally tell me that the Dr. said it was ok to take it except for the night before chemo. I was not at all convinced. I'm still not. I feel very sad that I do not trust my Dr.s. I feel very sad about this. I guess later today I will google this information and medicine myself and find out how I feel about it. What a terrible thing. What a horrible thing. I wish once in my life I could just fully put myself in the hands of my Dr.s and feel comfort and security and the belief that I am in good hands and that I can close my eyes and feel GOOD. This just isn't the case, not for me nor for anyone. Never do this, please. Never. I have stories about being in the hospital that would not even be believed or even blamed on myself rather than the staff and so I shall not even go into them.

So anyway, this is Sunday and my chemo was dripped into my body on Tuesday. I'm still very tired and still having side effects that I wish I didn't have. This might be more draining and harder than I thought. I haven't drawn til today.

But, I listened to the end of Moby Dick today as I drew. What a wonderful pleasure. I loved every bit of it. A tedious, ton of verbiage never written in books today I dare say, yet still particularly interesting. I found that I love listening to a book while drawing far, far more than listening to music. I was really shocked at this at first. I thought that listening to someone talk; reading a book might be too distracting while trying to draw. As I spoke about earlier, it takes a lot of concentration and many decisions, thoughts and challenges to draw or paint or as I have found out, even more to photograph. Listening to someone talk and follow a story line while doing all this might have been far too much all at the same time.

Not so for some reasons. The largest one being....the book is all at one level so to speak. That is to say, that music keeps changing tempo and texture and, well....me. Music has a huge influence on the way that I feel at any given moment and that in turn reflects onto my drawing or painting. I've always known this as all artists do, so we then pick out music carefully to suit our needs. The music reflects the art....the art reflects the music and of course the artist reflects it all.

Herman Melville, author Moby Dick

Why not work on a project without music or even an audio book? Ack! Art is such a solitary thing by nature as it is. Far, far too solitary for many. Perhaps this is why so many have gone mad. At least one aspect of it we can say for sure. I have sat there in silence painting away or drawing my brains out with only my soul to listen to, believe me. It can be very pleasing and a good thing to do sometimes, sometimes. It's something to practice and of meditation for sure. To do this for hours or days on end for some and then to come back to the world and be "normal" is truly a practice and I'm not sure it really is normal. This is something that only artists will probably understand and have had experience with and will be nodding with agreement.Perhaps it's just me, but I think not.

Even with all I can not draw more than two hours without a break and this drives me crazy. I hate it. I want to draw four hours straight and I would be very pleased. Especially right now. I sit down with full desire and expecting to draw for hours and hours, far more than just a measely two hours and yet I have not been able to do it yet. Grrr. When I get past that, I shall come here and talk about it and understand how I did it so that I can do it again. I want to break that barrier. But, then there is the standing back and looking and waiting to see how it is. More than two hours at a time and I can't tell how it is looking. I've looked too long. Standing back five feet isn't enough. Turning away and not seeing is the only way. Looking fresh after a long while is the only way. I guess I ought to be looking at my drawing in a mirror though it is fixed and won't be changing much in so many ways at this point.

I'm off now to my sister's so that I can download another book...doing it on my computer takes hours and on her's only takes mins. That's the way it is. But, as I have just talked about, I shall spend some time with people and have lunch and thus not be mad today or tomorrow hopefully. It's good to do. I'm not sure what book I shall download next. I was thinking about Tale of Two Cities. I'm starving, I haven't eaten anything yet. Not good.

Long Hall on Lily Drawing

These photos for awhile will just be taken from my drawing board, at angles, might even show parts of my studio etc. They are not meant to be photographic works of my art. It's just art in development. The pencil is very light in some stages with very light pencil and if I were to change the exposure etc so that you could see it all the better, it would sort of defeat the purpose of the photo. You will begin to see how the drawing changes and gets darker and more "developed" by pencil rather than photography.

I have spent many, many more hours on the lily drawing. I have no idea if I will be able to get this done for the show. It is taking far longer than I had thought it was going to. I knew it was a big under taking, but still I under estimated it.

I have spent so many more hours just on the back ground, that I estimate that background alone for just the first layer has been some 30 to 36 hours already and it's not done. It's not that large a drawing. I know that I would look at this drawing and think that I could do it in far less time. Just not so. But I have at least gotten the first layer done and that is a big thing.

My wrist, elbow and shoulder are all sore even though I know and have been good at using them all in the right ways. Don't just use your wrist of course and for the most part try and use the whole of your arm from the shoulder down. Still, after so many hours no matter what you do, it darn well hurts. I'm not quite sure why I want to do this, but my voice seems to reveal me. After drawing for hours in the morning, when I speak on the phone to someone they insist that they can tell right away that I have been in the room doing art work of some kind. I sound happy and calm. They tell me right away. I guess it's the same as being in love. It does something chemically to you. I know that is what happens to me when I am in love. All I would need was the sound of my lover's voice and my whole body and manor would change. It was like a fix. So it is with the process of art. Usually. It can also be very frustrating. When things don't work out, it's very, very frustrating. I think perhaps that is why I needed this project right now. I needed something I knew I could do and feel really good, get that fix. Yes, that's why I'm doing this right now. I need that fix.

In this photo I have worked on the snails and brought them up more. Without the background true black, I'm still going to have a hard time getting the value's right. I hate to think about starting on the back ground as yet. I want to put it off for a while just for the mental aspect of it. I know I shall and just get some more pencil laid down with out loosing true white nor too little very pearly gray white that I want to keep.

Taking photos of this project has not got me thinking or rethinking if I have gotten the negative composition correct. I may want to crop this in the end and then I shall loose all the white of the edges, my careful black edges and the edges of the paper. More thinking before pencil to the paper may have been needed yet still. More sketches, always, always. Maybe I'm just doubting myself as happens all the way through the projects for me. There is always the "ugly stage" too which I've heard all artist talk about.

Perhaps I've already hit that stage so early. Since I've worked on it so many hours I might have already hit that stage. Should it be the ugly stage, then there's nothing to do but work through it and keep head down. This I'm surely going to do as it's way too soon to change anything.

Tomorrow is my first day of chemo. Oh man. I have not slept for days. I don't think that I'm so stressed that I can not sleep that but that seems to be it. Last night was the worst, so I'm thinking tonight will be next to nothing. I just don't know. Now my sister has gotten me worried about the healing of my lumpectomy no less. We went shopping together today and shared the same room to dress. I told her how it had turned into a hard and lumpy mass and and showed her and let her feel it. She freaked.

"That's not right at all, Val. Not at all!" Her eyes raised and mouth open. She froze in her tracks.

"How do you know?" I really wanted to know if she knew or just thought she knew.

"I know. I know that's not right, Val. You have to get that checked out right now. Right away. That's not right." Again all alarmed and staring at me.

"How do you know though? How do you know? Do you actually know. Do you know someone that you actually touched or know that?" Knowing that she does know women with this condition I knew she just might have felt a lumpectomy healing and I too was becoming alarmed.

"No, but I know these things, Val. I know this isn't right. I know. You have to get this checked out right away."

Great.

So I sat down in the shop while she was purchasing and called the nurse and left a message telling her that I had a question about how I was healing and now I have to wait to speak to someone.

Just another thing to worry about tonight. Isn't it great. I thanked her for that too.

After tomorrow I will never be the same. I will have started chemo and be a cancer patient. I will have to wait five years to find out if I am cancer free if all goes well. It will be a year and a half of chemo and radiation. First time ever in my life on New Year that I knew what I would be doing for the next year. It was a very, very strange and ominous feeling.