Seeing Oncologist First Time Today

I have my first oncology appointment this morning. I'm very nervous about it.

I didn't even know it or admit it til late yesterday. I was watching television minding my own business and suddenly out of no where I burst into tears and started talking out loud. I had to go to oncology. I had to start chemo. I had to start being a cancer patient tomorrow. I just started crying about it. Wow where did that come from?

I was looking up to the skies talking to my late boyfriend and feeling a bit sorry for myself and once again some how angry at him or something.

I just want to be able to talk to him sometimes even now. More now.

I had just gotten to the point that I didn't feel like I needed to talk to him all the time and now this. Now this. Now I need to talk to him a lot again and he isn't here. Not one bit.

I think that is why I'm doing this blog. I think. One reason at least. I wish he was here. I need to hear his voice. I need to hear his reason and logic. I need to hear his love. All the kinds of his love. He could make me feel so good. I allowed him to say things to me that if someone else said the same kind of thing I would blow up. He just rang a different bell with me. I wish so much we could ring together now. We just can't. He's not here anymore.

Mark died from a rare form of prostate cancer a little over two years ago.

He always went for his physical every single year. He had to and he did. His job required it and he went. Part of that physical was checking his prostate. He was always fine. All the years he was fine, then that next year he went in and had his check up and he wasn't.

He felt fine. He didn't suspect anything at all. Nothing. Why would he?

They brought him into their office and sat him down and told him he had this rare form that is very aggressive and very deadly and that he had only three months to live. Can you imagine that?

I didn't even know there were different kinds of prostate cancer. When I tell people about this, their very first response is always, "He should have gone for physicals."

It makes me so angry. People should ask first. I don't feel like explaining, I get tired of it. I feel like I need to defend him. I feel like I have to educate these people, but I hate it. I loved him and I have defend him for dying every time I tell someone. It wasn't his fault. It is never anyone's fault. Saying that to a care giver and a loved one is quite mean and the person saying it has no idea. They just don't think about it. They have no idea.

He was very intelligent and very assertive and did a lot of research and found where he wanted treatment for the best results and longest life span. He did get into research programs eventually and he survived longer than just about anyone with this type of cancer. They talked about putting him in published reports etc. But it was his life and his struggle.

We talked and talked and talked. I listened and I felt for him more than anyone before in my life. I loved him. I fell in love with him. I actually didn't want to, to be honest. It's a long story, much too long for here, for now, but I fell hard for him. Harder than anyone else in my life. I tried not to for many reasons. I cut it off with him three times. I really didn't think I would allow myself to fall for him. I was trying to be careful and protect myself. He told me I was the toughest person he had ever known. He really thought I was going to cut it off with him. He couldn't believe it. I guess no one had before. I could believe that some how. But I succumbed. I needed him as much if not more than he needed me.

Now I need him more again.

I can't help but think of some of the horrible hard times I went through with him emotionally while he was dying.

I would be on the phone with him in public and feel like I was going to pass out. Literally. I would have to sit down on the floor or on display furniture. He would be so emotional but only in our way. In a way that I knew was very serious; a place that he didn't go to very often. I would try to be supportive and listen but it would be tearing out my guts so much I thought I would just pass out right there where I was. I couldn't let him know that. He would hear me trying to stifle the cries and whisper words to him; he would hear the silent pauses and we both knew how serious things were getting.

I loved him so much in so many ways. It was a hard love and a sweet love. It was a beautiful love and the most complicated love in my life. There are parts to that world I have never been able to talk about to anyone. I'm crying through the tears now.

My life has been such a soap opera. A crazy soap opera. It just keeps going on that way. I'll probably talk more about the soap opera for some reason, but if you read it you might not even believe it. Some times I don't.

My very first love in my life died of cancer too. I was in college and we fell in love. He fell for me first and I was a bit slow to come around. He was so fast it scared me a bit. Maybe a lot.

My room mate in college, Meela introduced us. Meela's boyfriend's best friend was Mike. Thus I met Mike. It took some time but we became an item. A strange one, but we became one. Again there is a long story there but I'm not going into it here.

Then a life changing event happened in my life and Mike and I had a very difficult time dealing with it. This is something I will talk about later in my blog because it will probably be important, just as important as cancer to be honest.

Mike ended up turning to Meela trying to figure out what was happening to me and they fell in love. Yep, that happened. Eventually I became the godmother of their child. Long, long story. Even much longer, longer story Mike woke up one morning with a siezure only to learn that he had a brain tumor. He too had a Dr. sitting right next to him telling him he had only three months to live.

Never in the history of the world has a person sat next to another, with such appointed power, as much as a god, to tell that person that they are absolutely going to dye. We have never before allowed a person to look us in the eyes and tell us we are going to die and when and how. It's a horrible thing in so many ways even if it has it's points. This is a lot of power to give someone. Anyone. It is a tremendous power. It can even be a killing power if you ask me.

Both of my loved ones survived far beyond their appointed deaths. They did not accept their appointed deaths nor their diagnosed process of dying. They both did it their way and only their way. I admire that and it took a lot of growth on my part too. I learned so much from each of them. I love them both.

Mike had called me to tell me he was gong to dye the next day. That phone call changed my life. It was the longest and hardest conversation I have ever had if you can imagine. I went through so many emotions in that one conversation. I knew him so well, I knew he would dye the next day. I knew it would happen, there was no question, so everything we talked about was as real as you can ever get in life. Finally at the end I had to accept that he was allowed to decide what he wanted. It was ok. It was his life and he had the right to choose how to deal with it. It wasn't my choice or my right to tell him what he could or couldn't do. Man that was hard. Really hard. hanging up was even harder. How do hang up the phone when you know the person is going to dye and you will never speak to them again. It took another long while to get to that point.

He did dye the next day. I knew he would. I wasn't surprised. I knew where he was and I was glad to have had that conversation with him. I also had a lot to process. It took me many years. Many. That was about 17 years ago. Can you tell I still have that big huge space for that conversation in me, but I have finally dealt with it as much as a person can I believe.

I did tell Mark that he was not allowed to call me like that however. I made him promise me. He did promise. But we were in different states.

I did get a call somewhat like that. I almost hung up. His voice was so soft I almost didn't hear it. I thought no one was on the phone. Then I heard him. My heart jumped through my body. It was him. Instantly I knew it was that phone call. It was the last one. I would never be able to speak to him again. But I got to speak to him then. He was so weak he could barely talk to me. We did talk. I was crying softly trying not to be awful. Trying to keep our promises. I couldn't hang up.

He said, "Hush, hush. I love you." So softly.

This hurts to remember and makes me cry, but it's all there anyway. That's why I'm scared today. I'm not like them, but I have all these memories. It' s hard to put them away and keep them locked there. They keep knocking at the door. I keep seeing them. I keep hearing them. I want to talk to them. I can't. I can only talk here. I can't see for the tears right now.

I learned so much from them. But there is much pain too. The years go by and life changes and love and happiness goes on too. But the memories never go away. The good and the sad.

So I have a lot of cancer experience from these two that I can't just lock up and not think about.

Those two are put away in a place that is surround with stained glass. Beautiful stained glass that you can almost see through. It's so gorgeous you can't help but look at it, but you just don't see all it at once at least.

That's where they stay in my mind on a life bases, there for access when needed. Mark has been jumping out of there a lot lately. I kind of would like for him to just stand by the glass and be there and not be so much forward maybe. I'm just not so sure anymore. I'm not sure about anything any more.

So I have to go for my first oncology appointment all by myself today. I know it will be an hour long.

My sister is not going with me. She started in with the "if you want me to go with you" and to me that is always a clue that it's a time that person needs a break or for what ever reason they just don't want to go.

That's ok. That's good. I need for them to say that. Care givers need to take care of themselves too. Very much so. I want her to take care of herself and not get burned out. I know her and my family and I know that when she wants to go she says it. She says "I want to go with you if it's ok". That works great.

So it's five am right now. Yep. I couldn't sleep so I wrote. I told you I'm not doing so well with this.



The last of beautiful trees are gone.

Winter is here today, this morning. The glowing red trees and the bright yellow willow trees lost their leaves with the whipping rains and sleet this last night. No more leaves left to watch. Except for one. I forget the name of it. I have one right in front of my picture window in my living room. I love it so much. I watch this tree all year.

This tree never looses it's leaves all winter. Nary a one. The leaves turn a beautiful array of colors in fall and glows like a ball of fire with certain sun shinning on it. Then as winter starts it begins to turn brown. It gets darker and darker and the leaves curl and blow in the wind like little dingle balls. They never blow away. They just hang there and tough it out all winter long. The snow collects and sticks on each of them and piles up high. Ice freeze over and weighs them down. They never fall off. They just hang in there and keep hanging there over and over through thick and thin all winter. How can a person not identify with these beautiful things?

Then spring begins to appear. The leaves are still brown. They still blow in the wind like crazy. They dangle and whip around and get beaten like they are made of steal, yet they are paper thin. I've examined them. They are, they are paper thin.

Then one day a wind comes and they all begin to fly away. They all talked to each other and they decided to leave. One by one they begin to just fly away. Then more and then more. Suddenly they are flying away as if birds on a wire. In two or three days they are all gone. Poof. They are gone after all that winter and struggle. Gone.

Then the new buds start showing and it all starts again. I love this tree. I really love it. I have watched this tree for about nine years now. We have a relationship. I think it's about to get stronger.

Well I shall try and do something else or maybe even improve this blog a bit. I want to add somethings to the blog like a slide show and other things. As things begin to settle down with me I will be talking more about art and showing more art believe it or not. That is my plan. I thought I would have more by now actually. My emotions have really taken over though.

I guess I'll be talking about what happens at the oncology appointment. I'm sure it's not going to be that bad. I'm just going to be told what to expect and what will be ahead of me. lordy lordy lordy.