Second Surgery Today

I've been up since 5am and I'm pretty much ready for surgery today. I just want to get it over with and know if the Dr. gets it all this time. If she doesn't then I have to have the mastectomy and then change all the appointments I made yesterday. All this cancer treatment takes a lot of coordination and planning. It takes much more time than I had ever thought.

I was so nervous about going to oncology yesterday, you know if you read yesterdays post. I had to take some compozine before I left. I have never done that before in my life. Never. But I honestly thought I might throw up before I got there. I got to the parking lot and had to sit there for a couple mins and then I realized it was just making it worse. I told myself to get a grip cause this was only just the very, very beginning and I had no choice, so get the giddy up and get out there and do this. So I jumped out of the car into the cold blistering wind and snow and skittered into the building.

I got inside and my mind went blank. Who's the Dr. and where do I actually go? I thought I knew, but had I just made that up? No one had actually told me where to go when I thought about it. Great. So I tried looking it up on the big black Dr. list and I couldn't find it so I had to go over to the ob office and ask the wonderful woman I'm getting to know on a personal basis already. She was so nice to me. I had the wrong name of the Dr. Oh well.

So I went up there and checked in and then the receptionists points to the wall and a door and says you can go have a seat. Oh yeah?

I looked at her and I said, "You're pointing over there?"

She said, "Oh yes. You guys get your own waiting room. Go right through and have a seat.".


Ok, I guess I should have felt good about that maybe, but I didn't.

"Us guys"?

Already I was one of those "us guys"? The special people and separated already? It just felt really strange and not all that comforting to me at all. Maybe it should have, but I didn't at all. I was walking right into that land that I didn't want to go into.

So I opened that big hard door that was a bit heavy and walked in, in spite of myself.

There I was in cancer land. I had walked into it. I was a part of it now. I'm a cancer patient. ug. yuk. and a few other choice words.

I waited and realized already I should be bringing books and things.

I saw the Dr and she is really nice. She is young and talks a little fast and is a little scattered in her thoughts, though she tries really hard.

I hate it when I walk into a Dr. office and they have no clue why I'm there or what is going on with me. Sometimes that is ok but when there are important things going on I really think the Dr. should have previous knowledge of the case they are dealing with. I'm old enough that Dr. use to do that.

Now they walk into the room and tell you to let them catch up and figure out what is going on with the patient they are dealing with in the room they are in right now. Can't change it, so what are you going to do.

Yeah, that's what she did, and sure as hell I want her to know what is going on with me. So she read the computer and caught up with my case...other wise known as me and then she asked me many, many questions that I have been asked a hundred times before. I rather they do that too actually. I want each of them to know what is going on if they have to do it how ever.

Then she tried to start telling me what will happen with me. It took me awhile to realize at first she was telling me stuff that I didn't even want to hear because she was giving me full disclosure for consent to treat. I was hearing stuff about what doesn't work for me and I was wondering if it doesn't work then why are you telling me. I'm having a hard enough time understanding what does work.

But then I also realized that many people choose not to have chemo.

I had a friend that chose not to and she died. She left two children behind too. I had forgotten about that. So she had to explain so much to me so that I could sign the paper that said I want to do chemo and I know all about it. I signed it.

That too was actually more eventful than I thought it would be. I was all alone in the room to read it at leisure. It was very cold and a corner room showing the dark gray snowy day out there. The sun was pushing through heavy clouds making it a hard glare on my eyes. I had a very bad headache, no surprise. I didn't like the room much. I thought it should be much more comforting and cozy and emotionally soothing. It wasn't. Not even a picture on the wall. Was it always going to be like this?

She explained it like this if I do understand it right.

For me the chemo pill that so many people take does not work at all. It is worthless. I have estrogen negative tumor so it doesn't work on that. I can't use that at all. Some people just take that and don't do chemo drugs...i.v. at all.

So I need chemo drugs in an i.v. I need a group of drugs of three or four. They have side effects etc that they watch and follow and work with. We all know about that stuff. I have to take pills before chemo and after and they do other stuff. I didn't know I had to take pills before and after.They are going to explain that more again after I recover from surgery.

I have to take this chemo once a week for six cycles which they mean six times. That comes out to about six months. Three weeks is almost a month, so about every month I have to have it.

Then when that it is done I have to have another round of chemo with a different drug which I forget the name of it again now. This one is for the HER2 positive part of the tumor.

I had thought that the estrogen negative was really the bad part. It is bad, but apparently the HER2 is worse. She told me the really bad thing about it, was that it was very aggressive and that the cancer was very likely to come back. Great. I'm just learning more and more.

She also told me that because the tumor was over 1cm that chemo is always suggested. So I have three reasons and now I know why they were telling me even before surgery that I would have to do chemo.

So chemo for this HER2 is going to be for a year!

Then I have radiation.

So I will be having cancer treatments for almost 2 years or something. That is if everything goes well and there are no hitches and slow downs during the treatment process. It will take at least that long. wow. I knew it was a long road, but it's a bit longer that I had thought. I was thinking one year.

So I went shopping. I never used that cure before ever in my life. Well, sometimes I would go shopping for art supplies. That is very true. But I never shopped for cloths and things.

I bought another black hat. :) It's bigger and even blacker I realized. It's for different times. It was on sale. Not really at first, but I kept talking to the sales women and I said I would come back later to see if it was on sale. Then the one got out her little gun and said...oh look it's on sale. So I bought it. It was a $60 hat for only $36, how could I not??

I spent the day shopping for some more Christmas presents and had to go home cause my feet work killing me. That neuropothy is horrible. Sometimes I can hardly walk at all.

Then I decided to go to an art club meeting that I haven't been to in ages. I kept missing it for all kinds of reasons. A friend of mine was giving a presentation on color and I hadn't seen people for ages so I went.

It's called Brunswick Art Works. I use to be on the board but I just had to give it up and do a little less a while back.

When I walked in I got the greatest greeting from everyone all at once. It was so nice. I wasn't expecting it at all. In fact I thought people might be a bit mad that I had missed so many meetings. But everyone was very nice and very comforting and almost everyone knew what I was going through.

Word is getting out and that is fine. I'm just not use to it yet. Then talking to everyone about it. Then listening to everyone's stories. One woman was very huggie and wrapping her arms around me. I am still sore from the first surgery. I kept backing away but she kept coming closer again.

Some people do that. Finding your personal space is hard sometimes with certain people. Then later at the end of the meeting she came up out of no where behind me and grabbed me again wrapping herself around, getting right there and telling me how I was going to be fine because she was fine from her breast cancer twenty years ago.

I really do understand this and then I don't. It's a bit like saying I just jumped off that cliff into the surf and I made it and I'm fine so now when you do it you will be fine too. Oh yeah? Really? Would that make me jump off? Never. But I do understand people trying to comfort you and figure out how to do it. They just aren't very good at it many times.

I do have many good friends that are really, really good at it though. I am very fortunate. Lee, was there last night and she is great. She is a good friend and she some how knows how to be a very supportive friend too. No one tells you how to be and you can't learn it, so it's hard to do. But she is very good. Marie called me last night again to check on me about surgery and she is great too. She has had breast cancer and she is early in her stages too. I can talk to her about a lot of it. It's really nice to talk to her.

My sister friends...my group that I hang with are all great. That's Marie that I just talked about and Jennie and Gayle and Delma and sometimes Barb hangs with us too. They are all so great. I would hate to do this with out them. I really would. We laugh and cry together. We laugh so much. I was thinking about calling Delma this morning before I left but I don't think she gets up that early no matter what she says. lol.

So I'm off. One more surgery. Lee said she was very upset that I had to have surgery again but then she had talked to another of our friends that has breast cancer. She too had to have a second surgery. It is pretty common and I knew that. She had a mastectomy the second time around. I'm not sure why, but she did. Now that I'm hearing more about the HER2 maybe I should too but all the research shows that it doesn't make any difference. I just hope I don't have to have the third sugery and then end up having the mastectomy any way. I really don't want to do that, but I may have to. I kind of am thinking it might go that way. But I hope not. Hope with me that it doesn't. Bye all.