Appointment Canceled

I couldn't sleep all night. I had a horrible night just thinking about the test results, wondering if they got all the cancer this time.

This morning way early, they called me and canceled the appointment because they didn't have the pathology report yet.

Man. I think I really just might go nuts. The stress is unbelievable. I was fine on the phone, but as soon as I hung up I started crying and crying really hard. Harder than almost any other time. All this waiting and waiting is really catching up with me. I really just might go nuts and have a personality change.

The thing is I have to call all these people and tell them once again, that I don't know anything. All these phone calls are great but they are also stressful when I don't have news or horrible news or just etc. I hadn't thought about any of that. My sister is helping me with that and she offered to call my mom today. I love everyone but it's hard.

I called my other sister this morning and she gets all upset and I have to deal with that. Then she starts talking about fabric and stuff in her life and I just told her I couldn't talk about that stuff right now.

Then she starts telling me I need to cancel other appointments and I was just very aggravated and irritated. She's not here and doesn't actually know what is going on and I just didn't feel like explaining everything right then. No I don't need to this and that and I actually do know what I'm doing etc. It's hard and I'm really getting irritated. I don't know how other people do it. I don't know how I do it. I snapped at her and she acted like a hurt puppy. I told her not to take it personally I just wanted to call and tell her I wouldn't know anything and I was very irritated and needed to go. She still acted very hurt. I can't deal with it.

I'm going shopping again and being by myself til my next appointment today. Ug and rats and a few other choice words. I have no control in my life at all anymore and I had very little to start with. Ack. I'm going to be in the poor house at this rate but I'll look good I guess. lol.