I found it. It's a nice little black hat made of 100% wool so it will be nice and warm in the cold and bitter months to follow. It's gathered just on one side with a gently folded grosgrain ribbon to make a little flat bow on my left side. I love asymmetry in all things, but especially when dressing and decorating my body. The ribbon is folded just right in one place. And the hat has a nice little ripple right the
re so that if I want to, I can add a little feather or a pin or just decorate as I wish as time goes by. I will draw it and have it here or photograph it or even both. You shall see this hat several times through out my blog.This hat is very important now in my life in many, many ways. I love just the way it looks and now I am trying to love and embrace it as a part of me.
I'm afraid this first post is a little long. I feel that I need to fill in the blanks to start though. I was going to start this earlier. Rather I didn't know if I wanted to do this because it is so private and I had so many emotions, but now I do want to..so far anyway. So this post is to catch up to this date.
I am an artist, which is why you shall see images of this hat, and now I am an artist with breast cancer.
Even saying this here is hard for me. I have to stop and read it through the tears. I have not yet fully accepted this, I don't think. It's very hard. This is one of the reasons I have decided to start a blog. The tears are just rolling right now as I type. When will it be normal for me? When do I accept this?
I have already gone through so much in just over two months which is only because of so many delays. I thought once you even thought you might have cancer every thing was hurry, hurry, but that's not the case. By far.
It's a long dragged out process. Well not really, but when you think you have cancer and when you find out you do, every day becomes muddied, water logged moments and dragged out. Was that yesterday, did that happen today or last week? What day is today? Every persons comments become long, dragged out and mumbled. What did they say, did they really mean that?? What did they mean, oh I don't care, I heard too much, I can't listen any more, etc etc. It doesn't matter if it's a Dr., a friend, family or someone who thinks they should just say something because they simply know or found out.
August 6, 2010 I was rolling around on the floor watching t.v. like I usually do.
I know it sounds funny but I like to lay on the floor and do exercises during commercials, it works really well, really. Well this day my shoulder was hurting a lot more than usual from an injury I have. I was massaging it all over and I kept going lower and lower because of the pain. I was surprised how large the area was that hurt. I kept going lower and more toward the center of my body and I was raising my arm trying to stretch the shoulder out. Suddenly, as I was moving my hand toward and over my breast, right there not even very far down, not even thinking about it, watching the show start again, my brain went into complete alert mode.
My hand, my fingers had ever so innocently, gently slid over a very noticeable bump.
My eyes widened, my heart quickened, the show and the world stopped. I froze.
I remember so clearly thinking, "Not me."
I thought it twice. I knew instantly. I knew. it. I didn't want to know it. I felt for it over and over.
It couldn't really be there. I have large breast with lots of little bumps. I never did self exams for that very reason. I didn't want to find lumps and bumps. Now I did and I wasn't even looking.
My next thought was, Damn.
I just can't deal with this. I don't want to. It can't be real and I don't' really have it.
I live alone. I was alone. No one to ask. No one to say, "Feel this, it isn't anything is it.".
For the rest of the night I sat and laid in different positions and felt for the lump. It would disappear, it would be too hard to find. I wouldn't really need to call and say "I found a lump". But I found it every time no matter what I did, trying not to find it. It was there and I had to make THAT call.
I tried to just forget about it, but wouldn't you know, I found this lump on a Friday night. I had the whole weekend to suffer through all these thoughts and what ifs. So of course I got on my computer and googled for what the heck is a cancerous lump any way. How do you know if it is?
Doing this can be good or bad. Lots of information to go through, but I came to the conclusion that it was not cancerous so then I got through the weekend pretty well. However, deep down inside, as I felt the lumpy bump over and over and over, I had the gut female instinct, that because of this and that...it was cancer. It was squishy and soft around the edges and it was big and I have never had kids and this and that. That gut that tells you what is and isn't. What is right and wrong. What is goo and bad. I knew it was cancer.
Well, when I called on Monday they told me, oh you have to come in right away, right now as soon as possible. They really did. They made it sound absolutely urgent. So I changed some plans and rushed in.
To my dismay and a little anger, they did not have a Dr. to see me.
I had to see a Midwife and her assistant or student. I still don't know for sure who the other woman was. At this point they asked me if that was alright. I was already there...so of course I said ok.
This is very important, because this woman examined me and told me, "It is not cancer. Don't worry it's not cancer."
She then went on to tell what kind of tumor it was, which I can't remember, that was attached to my rib etc etc and then she had her assistant examine it so that she would know what it was and that it was not cancer. There was great lengthy conversation about this and putting me at rest because I didn't need to worry and that I still needed to have a diagnostic mammogram just to be safe.
She was very wrong of course.
I went out to make to appointment and I had to wait two months for one. I asked the nurse to go back and ask if it was ok to wait that long. She came back and said it was no problem.
I still did not feel good about this scenario and I tried to make an earlier appointment with 3 other places but not one could give me any earlier appointment. I still believe that a Dr. could have intervened and gotten me an earlier appointment had I been diagnosed correctly. When I was correctly diagnosed everyone of course was shocked when they realized I had waited two months.
I had an appointment with my primary Dr. just a week before my diagnostic mammogram. I told him about the lump and he had me jump up on the table. He wanted to examine it.
I laid back while his nurse, that I knew very well, was standing there looking down at me, and he had his head turned away from me feeling THE lump.
I laid there thinking, I'm so glad I have the mammogram next week. I had told him the lump was getting bigger in the two months.
He turned his head to me and said quite simply and boldly,"I don't like it."
He just looked me in the eyes and told me effectively I had cancer.
He's British and I have gone to see him for years. He's very funny and not stuffy and yet can be very direct and formal. He has always been very informative helpful and taken time with me. I also have mild lupus,diabetes and chronic asthma and I have seen many Dr.s through out my life. The British really are a bit different than us yanks,lo, I've known a few. I like him a lot and trust him.
He said,"I want you to make an appointment with the surgeon today before you leave, before you even have the mammogram."
My eyes just got watery and my heart sank. I couldn't move on the table.
I said, "they told me over and over that it wasn't cancer.".
He said,"it's too large no matter what. You'll want to have it out regardless, but I believe it is cancer."
Some how they know right away and I knew in my heart anyway. When it was getting bigger, I just knew for sure.
So I went and made the appointment. I cried all the way home. It was horrible. I didn't just know I had cancer, I knew I had cancer. I had cancer.
He told me what to expect. First the mammogram and then the biopsy the same day if you are prepared. He told me to be prepared. He told me to get on it. So I did. I was ready for mammogram day.
They were shocked I had waited so long for the mammo. I said the same thing again, over and over. They told me it wasn't cancer.
This Dr. that did the biopsy was very nice and kind. She too was very direct, which is what I wanted. What I needed. I thought I could handle it.
After she did all the biopsies, she asked,
"Do you want me to be direct with you too?"
I said yes.
She said, " It is cancer. You will be having surgery and chemo."
I was still so shocked. Laying there on the table and the Dr. leaning over me and talking right into my face and telling me,YOU HAVE CANCER.
Tears started rolling down my face. I wasn't really crying. Tears were just rolling down my face. I wasn't even sure where they were coming from. I wasn't sure what I was thinking.
Yes I do know. I was thinking how do all these people know I have cancer already before any lab tests when I was told two months ago that I did not have cancer.
I was hurt. I was lied to. I was wounded.
I have spent my whole life with the medical profession and this was just another case where I had to put my life in their hands and total trust and it had already been blown up in my face.
Day one, who do I trust? How do I go from here? Emotionally, physically. And in just that order.
My sister had come with me this time.
Just the year before I had been told to get diagnostic for my other breast. It was ok. But I went alone that time and I thought, what if they tell me it's not ok? But it was. This time it wasn't. My sister had offered to come with me because she knew how I felt and the fear in my eyes. I said, yes please come with me.
When I was done I went out to the waiting room and she sat there. She had been trying to reassure me that it wasn't cancer because there was no cancer in the family. It couldn't be cancer.
She sat there and saw me and gave me a great big smile. I held back the tears. She ask, "So how did it go?". I couldn't really think and finally I said, not here, outside.
She dropped her head. We walked together side by side in total silence 'til we got to the parking lot and then I told her what the Dr. said. We sat in her car and we both cried. We just sat there and cried.
I had an appointment to see the surgeon and I was to wait to hear the results of the biopsy.
A couple days later the Dr. called about the biopsy.
Here you have to believe that everything I tell you is absolutely true and not exaggerated at all.
Like I said I have dealt with a lot of Dr.s and labs etc ,but I never can get over it or use to it.
The Dr. called and said "I have the results of your biopsy. It's great. If you have to have cancer this is the best it can be. It's level one. The tumors are graded from one to three and one is the best. Oh wait. Wait. This is the wrong one. This isn't you. Oh yours is level three. Three centimeters. Yours is level three and estrogen negative. "
I was furious. I said wait, wait, WAIT. What the hell are you talking about. Which one are you talking about?
My mind was flying all over the room. I wanted to throw the phone down and stomp on it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She was so flippant about what she was telling me. First it was great and then it was horrible. What the hell. I wanted my hands around her neck. I really did. I was so furious you would never believe.
She said, "ok, lets start over. You are Valorie. Correct? and this is your test. I have it right here. These are your results." She went over them again.
I sat down and I was exhausted. I was hit by a truck. First, again hurled around emotionally and then physically.
What was estrogen negative anyway? What was anything.
Once again I got on the Internet and googled everything. I was flooded with information and pages and pages of cancer this and that I couldn't understand any of it. I was learning more things that I didn't understand than when I started. I was more scared than when I started. Adrenalin and fear was washing up and down my body actually making me sick.
Estrogen negative...is it really THAT bad. Was that what I had. It didn't actually sound like it. It couldn't be anyway. It sounded horrible. Why would I have that when hardly anyone had it. What was HER2? What was anything.
I called my primary Dr and said I had to talk to him. I was crazy with information and insecurity with the whole system. I needed the emotional support and comfort of my primary Dr. I needed to know that someone...SOMEONE knew who I was and was taking care of my best interest.
I waited to talk to him on the phone at the end of the day. He talked to me then because he could take all the time I needed with him. He was very kind and supportive. He was exactly what I need. He calmed me down a lot. He told me what was going on and I knew he was looking at my records. I knew he was looking at ME. It just made me feel incredibly better. I felt as if I had taken a pill. Let me tell you, it's very important to have a good Dr. that knows you when sick and when you are well. Some one who knows who you are and can coordinate your medicine when you need it. It's vital sometimes. Someone you trust no matter what. When everyone else is a stranger and want to do even stranger things. Dr. Davis was my strength. He was and is my security blanket and I have told him this.
So now I have seen the surgeon. I spent over an hour talking to her with my sister. Again I think it is important that you bring someone with you when you go to things like this. We both asked many questions. They were very good with us and answered all our questions and sometimes over and over.
The hardest thing for me was that I was given a choice. I could have a mastectomy or a lumpectomy. I had to decide.
Not the Dr., Me. She had the education, but I had to make the decision for my life, comfort and mental wellness.
I'll talk about that in other posts.
I'm sorry about this very very long post. I thought about starting a blog or journal or nothing at all. I thought about so many things. I was and still am overwhelmed by many things. So many. But I have finally decided to start a blog, for now anyway. It's a very personal blog. I'm going to try it and see how it goes. I will be very straight forward and disclosing. It might be helpful for someone else going through the same thing.
I have already run into people every single day who have either already had it or have family that does. Just like yesterday a woman who was soooo angry because she just found out she has breast cancer. She was so beside herself she could hardly work. She was getting a second opinion because "they didn't know what they were doing."
I knew she was angry about something and then she finally told me. She was in such an early stage of it all she couldn't see, hear or think. This is a very tough rough road. My heart goes out to all of us and to the families too. It hurts.
I have surgery Nov. 18th. Yikes. Much more to come.
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