Telling Family

Telling others has been very hard. Who do I tell when and how for heavens sake. How private or public was I going to be with this. I had to think this out. I've been having a hard time thinking anything out to be honest with you. I really have. I've thought I have been really ok and thinking just fine only to find out from others that I have not been on the top of my game. I don't like that and wonder what is going on already. I just mean mentally. Is this all bothering me so much that I'm foggier than I realize. Apparently so.
I didn't have to tell my sister because she went with me to the appointment so she knew before I got to the car. I was very glad of that. I needed that strength to join with mine. It helped a lot. Her love and strength helped me a lot those mins and hours.

We were to go to my mothers then. Do I tell her then or not? Tell her at all? She is 87 and not very understanding of illnesses. She just doesn't understand how they work for some reason. My sister has thyroid disease and takes medicine for the rest of her life for hypothyroidism. My mother kept thinking for several years that it was going to go away. She thought she didn't really need to take those pills, "people take too many pills, they make them sick." I told her over and over, "She will die if she stops taking them." She just didn't get it.

My mother does not take pills, lucky her. When she does need to take medicine it's like trying to get a cat to take a pill...no it's worse. Much worse. She's never needed to take any pills til last year. Eighty-six years never needing medicine so "what wrong with everyone else?".

We went over and she was not up to par. She just felt old and not too happy about it. I shook my head at my sister and gave the finger across the neck. Nope, not today, I couldn't tell her today. She wouldn't understand anyway and if she did she would get sick over it. We sat and talked and my mom went for something, leaving us for a moment.

"You have to tell her. We are both here and that's the best way and there is always going to be some reason not to tell her. Tell her today and get it over with.", my sister was whispering across the table to me.

I really was glad my sister was with me. I needed her for my support. You would have to know my mom. My dad had died many years ago. I wouldn't have to tell him at least.

We went out to the deck and sat in the beautiful days left as the leaves were falling, getting close to being gone even. But this day was really nice. I sat next to mom and Lyn was across from us.
After mom talked some I decided it would be good to get it over with. Just say it gently and be kind of vague and not say anymore than I needed to. Be careful and gentle. I wouldn't even tell her if she didn't live right here. But she would see me. We saw each other all the time. There was no escaping it.

It was months ago now. I don't remember the very exact thing I said to her. I do remember exactly what she said to me. Wouldn't you know.

I told her that I had the mammo today. She knew that I did but not the exacts of it or she pretended that she didn't know. I never know about her. I told her that there was a lump and that they did biopsies and that now I was going to have to wait for lab work on it. I told her I had found the lump etc and that I would be talking to a surgeon because my primary Dr. wanted me to.

I thought I would go slow and let her absorb things slowly. Go at her pace and just answer things she wanted to know about. Not just dump everything on her at once. That was another reason I wanted to start then rather than wait and just say, hey I have cancer etc. But it didn't quite work that way. The best laid plans as they say.

She wouldn't let me talk. I didn't get very far. She got very angry. Her face got red and she wouldn't look at me at first. She started to talk about herself.

She had had breast cancer when she was younger. THIS WAS THE FIRST I HAD HEARD ANY OF THIS.

I turned to her and said, wait.. WHAT, etc.

This is very important. They had asked me a dozen times, any cancer in your family, any breast cancer and I had said no every time!

She turned to me with her hand in the air, her finger shaking at me and told me, " now you shut up and listen to me!" "It's my turn to talk.". I had barely said a thing yet.

I looked at my sister and rolled my eyes and put my hands up. I couldn't believe this. My mother was furious. She was having a very, very strange reaction. I knew it was fear, but come on.

She then went on to tell me this very strange story, that she had been told that she had an x-ray done and they told her that there was a lump and that she had cancer. She told the Dr. to show her the x-ray.
He held it up for her to see and she told him, "that's not cancer, there's no fuzzy edges and it's not big enough. I don't have cancer."
The Dr. asked her if she was a Dr. and she said no, but she knew she didn't have cancer so he said ok and let her go home.

What the hell??

I looked at my sister just to make sure I wasn't dreaming or in some kind of hell. She was getting pretty angry too.

I turned to my mother again and I tried to say I hadn't heard any story like this ever in my life. She was still very angry and said,
"well I didn't have cancer. Have you seen your x-ray, how do you know you have cancer?"

I looked at my sister again. I think I had that look like, help.

My sister looked at my mom and said,"she doesn't need this right now Mom"
and my Mom said,
"Well I don't either!"

We both looked at each other and we knew she was just so up set she didn't know how to handle any of it and anger was her only way. She was shaking and red and almost in tears.

I tried to calm her down and reassure her and bring her back around. I told her that nothing said I had cancer yet for sure. There were many more tests to be done. She needed more time to absorb all this. All of us did. I still do.

Just recently my sister was talking to her, a few weeks ago, and she didn't seem to be getting the whole picture yet. Really in denial. We have been trying to slowly bring her around to the fact that I have to have surgery, radiation and chemo. That I do in fact have cancer and there is no mistake. She told my sister not to use that word. She doesn't like to say cancer because it sounds too nasty. My sister told her to get use to it. lol. It's hard. It's hard for every one. Most of all family.

My older sister started to act as if I was going to die. I didn't like that one bit. She lives in CA in San Jose. I use to live in S. F. Now I live in Ohio.

So we were on the phone and she started the moaning,
"ohhh, ohhh, ohhhh Vaaaal."

Over and over.

I just butted right in and told her,
" Stop it. Stop it right now. I won't put up with that. None of that. I have a very long road ahead of me and I can't have any of that."

I told her that her job was to be happy and act just like all the rest of the times. If she couldn't do that, we couldn't' talk. I was very direct with her. She did stop right then and there. She has been very good every since.

My youngest sister Lyn, has been fantastic. We have had a few little spits here and there. Especially when I was trying to decide between a lumpectomy and mastectomy. That may have been the hardest thing I have ever done. I changed my mind over 500 times and I'm not exaggerating. Perhaps my next post will be about that. It really was the first thing I had to do after talking to the surgeon. It felt like the first thing I had to do altogether really. I had to decide as soon as I could....what a horrible thing. That's how I felt.

The Dr. who had decades of education just looked at me and said, "You get to have a choice. It's great. You get to decide. Now come back as soon as you can with your choice so we can get started. Bye". Effectively, that was what happened.

I had NO, NONE, ZERO, NADA, NOTHING, yeah NO education about anything. Now I had to make a HUGE decision about my body, health , well being and mental wellness that I had to live with for ever, in a week or two.

I hated her.

And my sister could not understand that.

How could she not understand that.

I still rethink it sometimes and surgery is this coming Thursday. I think there is a little part of me that is afraid to post about that process til maybe after surgery because maybe I'll start rethinking it again. I don't want to start second guessing it again. I think I'll wait til after surgery for that post. Sorry about that. I have to take care of myself first all the time now. You wouldn't believe some of the things I do now. I don't have the patience for some things already. I've already started to change and I haven't even had surgery yet. It's amazing.

I fired my therapist. He keeps double booking clients and then he can't see one or the other. He did it again last Thursday. I have talked to him about it before. Even if I'm the one to have the appointment I feel bad for the other person. Our time is important. He is important. We need to talk to him or we wouldn't do it. It's money, time and emotions.

This time we were to share the appointment. Half hour each. I told him I really needed the appointment. First time since I found out I had cancer. I needed it. I had to cancel several appointments because of that dreadful virus I'm still fighting the tail end of.

I told him I needed to be able to count on people especially my therapist. I told him it was over. I had to look out for myself. I didn't care how bad he felt. It didn't help me. He kept saying how bad he felt. I just wanted to never see his face again. I was counting on that appointment. I needed to talk. I needed to be heard. I needed him to be there for me. He wasn't at all. I needed his support. I was scared, frightened and very confused. I needed someone to be there just for me. For me. I damn sure wasn't going to spend three mins making him feel better about anything.
Fifteen mins I was out of there and I felt so good about it.

It's all about me now. I have to take care of myself. It doesn't matter who it is. Family, friends, Dr.s or strangers. I come first from now on. I never have before. This is going to be quit a journey.