Rebounding of posting and wonderful women

I found out that I have to be a little careful about what I post or how it might effect me later I guess.

Yesterday's post got me really upset.

I didn't realize it at first though. I finished it and went to take a shower. I was starting to get upset by then. Then I got into the shower and suddenly the tears began. Then I was not only crying I was crying out loud. There is a difference and a big one for me.

I live alone and yet I couldn't just let my guard down until I was in the shower and really all alone I guess. I just stood there and started crying and crying. I was so upset.

I was upset that I had to be sick again. That is the biggest part for me right now. The past 4 to 5 years have been the best for me ever. I have been the healthiest and most active. I have been active in clubs and I even started a bread making club. I have already helped that club to keep going with out my facilitating it's meetings. I've already done that! I had to because I knew I could not be counted on to be there every single time. I already had a horrible time trying to be there for the meetings because of so many Dr.'s appointments. I'm going to try and be there sometimes still, but I can't be accountable any more for a very long time. I'm sick again. I already KNOW what that means. I know too, too well.

I was looking at myself in the mirror getting ready for the shower and I was upset because my boyfriend wasn't here to help me through this. I was talking to the mirror at myself. To my dead boyfriend. Even to a long ago dead boyfriend. They both have died from cancer.

I was mad at them.

"Where are you know when I need you? You're dead, that's where you are."

I could hear myself and it sounded silly but I kept talking because I needed to talk to him even though he was dead... and I was mad. And I needed him. I need him. It's been over two years since he died and I still need him.

"I gave you so much support for a very long time. I gave you all the support you needed. Where are you now when I need you?"

I need boyfriend support or lover's support even though I have SO much support otherwise. I don't understand that.

I need someone to be able to talk to everyday I think and I guess that's why I'm here.

I got out of the shower and decided I wasn't going to hang around here. I had to get the hell out of dodge.

I jumped into the car and I was going shopping and I was going to buy anything I wanted. I really was. That would make me feel better I was sure of it.



I first went to drop off a CD to my friend, Marie. She has had breast cancer a couple years ago and she has been great support for me. She is a very good friend and one of my "sister friends."

I haven't talked about this group yet, but they are wonderful. I have a group of friends that I hang out with every Friday (I try never to make Dr.s appointments on Fridays). We do a mild hiking in the parks around here and the "Emerald Necklace" parks too. Then we eat lunch that we pack and then play a special kind of dominoes. It's just wonderful. In the winter we love all this so much and meeting that we decided we would keep meeting inside and play dominoes and have lunch and then play some more.

We nicknamed ourselves the "Domino Dogs". I love it. We are a little vicous when we play. Only cause we are such good, good friends.

From this group, four women have become so special to me. We have become such good friends and it means so much to me. I know I will be talking about them much more. We get together so many times during the week we really are almost like sisters.

We use to always go to exercise class together twice a week, but a few of us have some injuries now, so we don't always get together that way anymore. But we always have lunch together on Thursday.Just us five and sometimes another woman we are good friends with. If I only see them twice a week it seems very strange.

Their support for me now is so important to me I can't even put it into words. I am so glad that I have them in my life. We laugh so much. We tell each other anything we want. We say things that you can't say to other people. We talk about anything and everything... and then we laugh. We laugh every where we go and about everything we do. I love all the laughter. We got kicked out of pinochle for laughing too much. We didn't care because if you can't laugh we didn't want to be there.

We laugh about my cancer and all of it. I can and have cried with them so many times already. Then we laugh. It's great. It's so great. It's the best thing for me. I love them all so much. They keep wanting to know exactly when I'm going into surgery and for my sister to call one of them to let them know when I get out. They are great.

I ended up talking to Marie again and crying and laughing just when all I was going to do was drop off the CD. She helped me a lot.


So on my way to the mall I called my real sister and asked if she wanted to lunch with me. We worked out a time.

I got to park right near the mall so close I thought this has to be a good day. It turned out to be a very good and very interesting day. I will try to make it short. I know my posts are too long so far, but I don't think they will be in the very near future. I just know they will get much shorter soon. I want them to be shorter anyway. Who has time to read all this?

But anyway I went to Coldwater Creek. My favorite store to dream in. I love a lot of their clothes but never hardly ever buy from them because they are just way too expensive for me.
But I was shopping today. :) I had at least two hours to shop til my sister got there so I was going to have fun.

I spent over two hours in that store. Can you believe that!

They had some sales going on like so many stores now. The sales people were very nice, maybe too nice. They kept bringing in more and more clothes for me. I mean more and more.

I learned for the first time in my life, at 57, that you can buy blouses in petite. I never knew that. All this time. That is what I have needed all my life but I didn't know I could get it.

I put on a beautiful blouse and it fits me all over except I have no arms or more accurately, I have no hands at all. I just stand there and there are sleeves hanging down by my sides with no hands on them.

I said just dreaming and talking like I do SO much, "I wish they made these in petite".

She said, "They do!".

She ran and got it for me in petite and of course I had to buy the first blouse that had fit me correctly in my life!

It's a beautiful white blouse that you never have to iron. I had seen it on the woman behind the counter and I told her I loved it but I would never buy anything like that cause I won't ever iron it. She said," I've never ironed this and I've had it for three years. It's no iron.".

You should have seen my eyes pop out. It wasn't one of those from way back in the 80's no iron. It was gorgeous. I wanted one. Oh well, it was $70. Not for me.

But I never forgot it. I couldn't stop thinking about. So when I went shopping, there it was again and I had a COUPON. A COUPON! Those beautiful coupons. So I bought it. I also bought a beautiful black vest that was on sale. I have this thing for vests. I don't know why. I love them on men too.

My sister came and we had lunch and then she had wanted to buy bras for at least the last three times we were shopping together so I said lets go look, I don't mind one bit. So we went to Dillards because they fit you and talk to you and actually help you get the right bra and right fit.

Well.....while she was in there getting fitted I couldn't keep my mouth shut of course, I start talking to the other clerk. We were chatting and then I started talking about me. I was nervous and I just needed to talk. I'm a real talker actually and I'm not hiding what it going on with me right now.

I asked, " Since you do so many fittings and everything, maybe you know about breast cancer surgeries and fitting bras and stuff."

"Oh yes I do, but Suzanne, knows much more on a personal level." She was the woman with my sister.

"You mean with fitting women or do you mean personally for herself with breast cancer?" I didn't know how much I should ask or what I should say. I had a feeling I was going to find out more about breast cancer.

"Yes, herself. She can tell you a lot. So you have it? When did you have surgery?"

"I'm having surgery Thursday. I still have lots of questions and a long way to go. I didn't even know if I would be wearing a bra after radiation because I have heard it bothers the skin so much."

"Oh you absolutely need to talk to Sue, she can tell you so much. "


I was scared to talk to her. I was nervous about it. I wasn't sure why, but I was.

When I saw her, she wore a little necklace with the pink ribbon on it. Would I ever do something like that?

I let her finish with my sister and then I asked, " Your associate said that you have had some experience with breast cancer. I was wondering..."

She was nodding her head and she took me by the arms and walked me away from everyone. Her eyes were looking right into me. I couldn't help it, I start welling up right away. She was so personal in an instant. I had hardly said a word. I was just going to talk about bras, about when I came back. I'm crying now again just remember it.

She was so kind and sweet beyond belief. She talked about herself and asked about me. I told her I was having surgery in two days. She spent a half hour talking to me for sure. She kept sliding me over to places where there were no people. She answered some more of my questions. She told me about a support group at Southwest Hospital that is so close to me. It is just for breast cancer too. Not one of three Dr.s and nurses had told me about this place. She told me about using a camisole with a shelf in it instead of a bra after radiation because the skin gets so sensitive. She told me to use Aloe Vera lotion you can get in any drug store. It's not a cream or anything, just a clear lotion that helps with burns. I remembered using it then as a kid when she said that and then it made so much sense because the radiation gives a slight burn to the skin. She helped me so much.

We hugged many times. She almost cried at a moment and I told her I was going to get her crying because of me. Then unbelievably, she gave me her cell phone number. She told me to call her any time just for support or to answer any questions. I was shocked. I still am. I just might use it. She told me to come back some time just to let her know how I'm doing and I will for sure do that. She got cancer a second time. I've heard that before. It is a tough hard road. Damn. I think cancer and damn should always go together. I just do. I can't see any part of it being anything less than the feeling of just,damn.