Developement of Lily Drawing

I have started on my graphite drawing. I love it.

It's going to take a very long time. More than I had thought even. Here is a photo of the very beginning in actually putting it down. As I said there is much time spent on it when I haven't even started drawing it yet.

It's hard to see, because all of this part is done with an 8H pencil. If you are not familiar, that is a very hard pencil, making it very, very light. Since this is going to be an all graphite drawing I must do this in several stages of pencils.

I think of this stage very much like mapping out the drawing and getting to know it. I have to make a lot of decision and I might change my mind several times even at this stage...every stage.

To look at a drawing it might seem that there is not much thinking going on, just a reproduction of what is in one's mind. It doesn't go that way at all. It's very much alive all the way through the process. It lives and grows all the way the drawing develops, hence the word develop.

Some of the decisions I had to make before pencil to paper where these. I had to decide in the first place that I was going to make it a graphite drawing. I went back and forth with this over and over and over again. I had many thoughts on this. Eventually I was of the thought of doing a collage type project, which I have been thinking about in other projects too. This just did not fit after some small exploring and I gave that up. I thought of graphite mixed with other media and I finally decided on a pure graphite drawing which I have been wanting to do for some time, a long time. I thought this to be the piece for it. Also, because I have another drawing to accompany this and they would make a good pair in graphite. Two lilies. Grand. Graphite is grand and these lilies are grand.

This was the decision. Hercules Lily. From my garden in S.F. I was on my way to work many, many years ago and I a saw this. I was stopped in my tracks and I had to make a decision. Just pass this up and go on to work or...go back inside get my camera and take some photos and be late for work. I was late for work that day. My camera was a 35mm Nikon if that tells you how long ago that was. I developed the negative myself and printed it, but for the life of me I can not find the negatives anymore. I still have the camera though, which I pulled out one day in front of a group of photographers to actually use. I was bombarded with oohs and aahs as people swarmed around me asking if that was an actual 35mm camera. lol. I took a step back from the shock of it all. Then I let them look at it and hold it ecta. I showed them how easy manual focus is. I miss split lens focusing so much. It wasn't on that lens though.

I had decided to leave the area around the drawing as part of the drawing. This, at this point anyway would be part of it and thus must be kept white and clean and the edge of the drawing itself would have to be kept in consideration as well. I also have decided to keep the outside edges of the paper itself clean and well kept for consideration for floating it in the frame. I have not yet fully decided on that. If I don't keep them clean and unbent, then I can't have that option though. You can see the edges of the paper in the photo on two sides if you look, in the next photo. So even before starting the drawing I have had to think about how I might want to frame it.

This is the next step in the development. Here I switched to an HB pencil for the background only. As you might be able to see, once you bring the darker background up, the much lighter pencil will in the lily will automatically look darker. It's not, but it looks it. I need to bring in the darker or even the darkest parts of the drawing so that I can start to get the values right. Even from the very beginning it's all going to be about values.

Now even though the background might look black, which eventually it will be, it's not black at all. It's really only a value of five or maybe a six so far (values from 1 to 10 ). That kind of makes me sick to tell you the truth 'cause you wouldn't believe how long I have spent on the back ground so far. I can't believe it. It is only half done. Before, I have never really timed how long I have spent on a drawing. I've,vonly proximated for the entire drawing or painting. Well, so far I have spent about 12 hours just on the background for this and it's only half done...for the first layer. Subsequent layers won't take that long because there will already be a layer, but it's not the only layer to be there. True for all of the drawing. Values are created by layers.

Twelve hours on only halve the background. Why would it take that long? Well, even though it's an HB pencil I only lay it on the paper surface as I did with the 8H pencil. No pressure at all. Especially with the harder pencils. I would scratch the surface of the paper and that would be tragedy for sure. Every scratch would forever show henceforth on the paper no matter what I did. I might as well through it out.

For twelve hours of work I have used two pencils and no more. Of those two I have not use more than half of either. I switch between because it helps me keep from changing the pressure and degree on the paper even though I say there is no pressure. This helps keep that from happening, for me. Each person will develop their own tricks. It's a constant checking and looking and checking back again. Thinking and looking. It's far harder than you would ever think it. That is why I found a good trick again just this year. I'll talk of it in my next posting. I have learned a lot about it.


I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I did. My sister cooked a beautiful turkey for Christmas day and my niece had a wonderful Christmas eve for us all too.
The weather is warming up measurably, so that you can hear the snow and ice melting. All you need do is stick your head out a window or door and you can hear the activity all around you. It sounds so busy running and dripping everywhere about you. You must keep busy yourself else you get dripped on your head and the waters run up your feet, shoes and clothes getting wet for sure.

Still, as I admonished my mother, you must be careful, because lurking around and under all this, is ice to catch you and slip you up when you are least expecting it. People fall here all the time as did my mother last year, breaking her knee cap into six places. This made her fall again breaking her other knee just months later. The beauty of the snow and ice can be treacherous. Still I love it.

I remember when I first went to California and loved all the many different kinds of exotic trees and wondered if they were truly appreciated by the locals. They just couldn't, I thought for the longest time. Now I sometimes wonder the same thing about snow and the most beautiful skies I have ever seen. There are no skies in S.F., just blue and fog. Yes, it's true. Go and see for yourself. Clear blue skies and five o'clock fog, by your watch.

I did finally have the port put in. It wasn't easy just as it seems nothing has been plain easy so far. I mean it was and it wasn't. I had my hand on the door, shoes on and ready for the go and the phone rang. I thought sure it must be my sister I was about to go meet. We were going together again as I had to have someone to drive me home and had to stay with again. The hospital wouldn't do it otherwise. (The image at the right is a port accessed. The port is under the skin and then they use a right angle needle to access it at any time for long lengths of time. It is easier and safer than trying to go for a vein every time for chemo.)

No, it was someone from the hospital asking me about my procedure I was just about to have. I was very leery and on my guard.

"I was just going over your last procedure and saw that they had put you out and then had to wake you up because they couldn't do it." Long pause.

"Yes...." I was waiting for the reason of this call.

"Well we don't put you out for this procedure."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I wanted to know if you wanted to still do it with us, because we don't put you out for this procedure. It's not the way we do it. "

"What do you mean??" I was getting rather put off by this.

"Well, I saw that you were put out for this the last time and I didn't know if you wanted to wait and have it done there again so that you could be put out for it."

Grrrrr. I was not at all happy. Asking me if I wanted to cancel and do it another day...now!!!!
"What do you mean? I'm not canceling this now at this time! What do you mean you don't put me out. What do you do, just tell me."

I felt I had been called to try to get me to cancel the appointment, but I wasn't going to. I had had enough of all this. Just do the damn thing and leave me alone!!

"Well, we only slightly put you out. You will know everything that is going on, but you won't care. Will that be alright with you?"

Hell of a time to ask me,"Will I feel pain?"

"You shouldn't. We should be able to do everything fine so that it is all comfortable for you."

Well that was about as comforting as saying we can do it a 5 out of 10 as they are always wanting me to rate things. I was really, really mad.

"Fine. Just fine. I'm not canceling the appointment. I'll be right there. "

I hung up and then stomped, threw a few things, cussed and swore loud enough that I know my apartment neighbors heard me, but I couldn't help it. Had I not reeled myself in I would have thrown something out more than a window at least. Finally, I put on my coat, cried in the car and went to my sister's. I gathered myself on the drive and felt as if they really did want me to cancel the surgery, but damned if I was going to do it.

I did the surgery and I did know what was going on. I really didn't care most of the time. I thought the surgeon, (who it ended up being the person who had called me), was a bit too rough and I believe I might have said that. I kind of remember turning my head and thinking it and perhaps even saying it and I think they gave me more stuff then.

Anyway, since then I've done well. The port irritates me just because it pulls and tugs every time I move. Day and night. I can't wait til that stops. Thy told me that might take as long as a couple months! I have to wear a very tight binding bra 24 hours a day. I hate it. It's making me irritable to say the least. I can't sleep cause it keeps waking me up and that's making me moody. I seem to be crying easily. I just need some sleep and less pain. My lumpectomy still hurts from time to time too, but that will go away too. It has developed into a very hard and large lump now too. How I'm ever to inspect that for future cancer lumps is beyond me.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all and a happy, healthy and prosperous new year.



This year's card was a water color painting of a poinsettia which I then scanned and then printed on a Kromekote Inkjet, Smart, Silk Textured paper. Then I glued that to green paper and then printed with gold, a snowflake pattern on red paper, which I glued all to. I then glued all this together onto another card stock folded card to make the finale card which you can not see here.

No Surgery Once again, Unbelievable

Well, I just can't believe that I am here saying that I did not have surgery once again. Unbelievable.

I went to the Cleveland Clinic Surgical Center, not a hospital, to have surgery for the port to be put in on Thursday.

Everything went as planned and soon I was being shaken awake on the surgical table with at least one person yelling at me,

"We didn't do the surgery, we didn't do the surgery."

That was what I was hearing as I was trying to come to with people shaking my body back and forth right there in the surgery room.

Can you believe that I wasn't even that surprised! I remember thinking something like, "that figures". All I wanted to know right away was if they had actually cut into me or not. I was trying to look at the drawing they had placed on my body before the surgery. I couldn't see it well and my mind was checking for pain there. I didn't feel any pain.

I said, "Well at least you didn't cut into me.", in a not so pleasant voice. Did they wonder why I wasn't surprised? Why hadn't I asked why not or what was going on? No, I just wanted to know how much was blundered.

To be honest, they didn't blunder anything. The machine broke. They kept telling me that after they told me they didn't do the surgery, even though I hadn't asked why. I really didn't care. I just kept thinking it figures.

This time I was actually being wakened from surgery being told they weren't doing it. Lord have mercy on me. I was so upset I was speechless. Yes, I was. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to hear anything or talk to anyone. I was so fed up, I was done for. One too many times. Anyone who knows me would know I was very upset if I didn't even want to talk.

Then I heard my sister and the nurses talking about when this could be rescheduled and they started saying things like they didn't know until the machine was fixed and they didn't know when that would be. They would have to call me and let me know.

I laid there and I thought, I'm not putting up with this crap anymore. I'm not going to go home and wonder all the time when they can conveniently schedule me for another surgery again. When ever in the world that would be. We all have plans. It's Christmas!

This has been horrible enough as it is. My sister has given up so much and done so much for me to do this. Everything I have gone through, she has gone through too!! She had to wait four hours for me to not have surgery just this time.

They spent as long or longer to try and do the surgery as if they had done the surgery. All that time I'm out and she's waiting again. I thought at least she hadn't waited so long since they didn't do it, but she had waited even longer. Lord. They hadn't put me under quite as fully, I think, because I came out of it much faster, this time. I think they told me that, but they told me stuff while I was still out of it.

So, here I am doing everything at least twice. Every single freakin thing. I'm getting burned out. I really am. I'm trying to keep it together but it's getting harder and harder. I do think that since it's the holidays and we are all trying to get the holiday thing done, too in the mist of all this, well why does it have to all be done twice??? It's just too much. My poor sister. She's trying to do everything too on top of all this. She is having to do everything twice too! What do they want from us? I know machines break. I know the anesthesiologist has the right to cancel surgery. I know I had to have a second lumpectomy. I do not understand at all why I was told I did not have cancer in the very first place, I never will. My logic self is there, but it's getting harder and harder to access all the time.

So I asked my sister if it would be alright to schedule it at the main campus at the hospital. She was fine with it. She's great. We are both fed up with all this.

My next attempt at this is Monday. Please wish me well and success. Thanks.

I'm going to try and have the holiday spirit the rest of they day. I'm taking my sister, her husband and my mom out to dinner tonight to thank them all for all they have done for me. It's the least I can do. The very least.

I am working on my large drawing today no matter what. I have to. It will make me feel much better. Without doing art, I begin to feel very depressed even under normal circumstances. I must draw or work on a project somehow.

This is a largish drawing that I want to take photos of in process and show here. I am planning on hanging it in the Medina Art League Aquarius Show in Feb if I get it done. I'm only just finally getting it down on paper. There was so much pre-planning I had to do in my head before it even got to this stage. Non artists would never know about this stage and many other artists skip this stage, they just start right out painting or drawing. I can't work that way very well. I have to think it in my head for quite some time before it even starts to get to paper. I have to work out a lot of problems and solutions before I get there. I'll show and talk about those, now that I'm going to be all done with surgeries right soon. :)

More Nervous Today Than I Thought I Would Be

Tomorrow I have the port surgically put in. I didn't think I would be nervous about it at all, but I am starting to get nervous.

Now that I'm getting blood clots and the other incision is still not totally healed yet, well, I'm just getting nervous.

So I'm going to go to the studio drawing today that Lee has started since we can't go out very well in the freezing weather.I just want to keep busy today. She and Cindy started a plein air group that I try to attend as much as I can. You could go out side to paint if you are a maniac for this kind of weather, but I'm not. I much rather go inside and paint. It's fun to paint together and talk with people etc.

I'm not sure how many people will show up today just cause the weather is really really so cold out. People, including myself, just don't feel like bundling all up and trying to get out there. It's really horrible to be honest. I found out when I first moved here, you can really get frost bite here if you don't wear gloves. It doesn't even take very long.

Anyway I'm thinking of going. The other thing is it's early. lol. I'm up and all but it starts at 9am. That means I should be getting ready RIGHT NOW. So I'm off.

Emotional Dr.s appointment and a Wig !

Well, it's seems I never know how a day is going to go. Just when it seems like a normal day and a simple Dr.'s appointment, suddenly I'm all topsy turvy and crying and all emotional. I never, never know what is going to happen in a given day with me any more.

Yesterday was an arctic snow storm. I'm not kidding, that's how they described it in the news over and over. Citizens were mobbing the grocery stores buying up over loaded carts with food for a winter storm that you would think was going to lock people in for months. This storm is suppose to last only three days, but perhaps Clevelanders know much more than me. I guess that's a given actually.

I was there in the grocery store and when you watch these people it kind of is catching. I started to think I must need a mass of groceries too! I really did. I started to think, what do I really have at home if I get stuck at home and can't get out. I did buy a little more than I had planned on. It works. Mob psychology. I've read about it and now I am a participating member. It is a good feeling though to have too much food. Aren't we the luckiest people in the world.

My Dr.s appointment however was yesterday at the height of this new storm that everyone had bought all this food for. I woke up and was watching the snow fall at an alarming rate. Just standing there you could see that driving in it would be a great challenge. I kept wondering if I should really go.

I really wanted someone to examine the incision since the surgery and the surgeon had canceled that appointment on me. No one had looked at it yet. Now that my white blood count had been high and no one had told me why and no one had called me back to tell me if it had gone back down, well I really wanted to know what was going on. So I kept looking at all that snow piled up and still coming down and I still decided to go. I thought I had a good plan for getting there and I would go. I could handle that snow even if I was sort of a CA girl still.

I got on the freeway and the wind was blowing so hard it blew snow that had already fallen back up in the air. There were times I couldn't see anything at all!! Nothing for twenty inches in front of me. It was really scary driving. I had made a mistake getting on the freeway. I wouldn't go home that way. The back roads would be safer after all. Not as much wind and much slower driving.

So I finally got to the Dr and we talked about the incision and then I just mentioned that my arm hurt all the way from the arm pit to my thumb. I told him I could draw a line exactly the way it hurt and I showed him. It was very specific.

He put his fingers in different places along that line and asked if it hurt and of course it did. I told him he was very good at finding the line.

He looked at me and said, "You have a blood clot from the surgery. It's very common."

I was very surprised to say the least. He started asking all kinds of questions like does your arm swell and such and it hadn't. He was far more concerned about this than the incision. Turned out that this was way more serious.

But still, he told me that it doesn't go to the heart or anything like that. It's not that serious and I just need to put heat on it and it will take up to six months to heal! Rats, it's always something.

But he had me do a sonogram just to make sure it wasn't more serious. It turned out to be just a small clot as he had thought. But it is something to think about cause Thursday I'm having surgery again for the port. He said blood clots are always a risk, but I shouldn't worry. Easy for him to say. Then he said it is something for them to think about just a little when I have chemo cause chemo does thicken the blood. Great.

Man there is just too much to think about.

So after all this and the sonogram I went to the eye Dr to check on the eye drops I have been wanting because my eyes are so darn dry I can hardly see. They told me I have to call the other Dr on the main campus etc etc. So I did. I told them they might need to know that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer.

She said, "oh yes. Your eyes will get much dryer with chemo."

"Really? A lot?"

"Yes. I'll send this over to the Dr. right away. We'll see what we can do."

"Well, then I'm not going to be able to see a darn thing then. I can't focus on anything right now cause my eyes are so dry." She didn't say anything.

I'm telling you, I was more upset than I thought I would be. I'm starting to get pretty upset with things.

Then I went upstairs to go ahead and get the paper work on getting a wig. Oh my. I really didn't want it. I had been forgetting to do this so many times I can't tell you. She came back with several pieces of information.

One of them was a large booklet from the American Cancer Society. It had tons of photos of women wearing hats and scarves. They did not look good. It was a bit shocking and maybe it wasn't a good day to look at all this.

I sat in my car in the falling snow looking at this crap. I starting crying. This was not my idea of what I wanted. If they didn't didn't look good and they were models, what in the heck would I look like?

I thought, "Who am I kidding?"

There were all these extra things too, to keep the hats on when you are bald. Hum. I thought it would just stay on. Things to put on under scarves to make them look full and not just next to a bald head. Say what?

Maybe I would look into having a wig. I hadn't known that this chemo was going to go on for so long either.

I had heard from everyone that Medicare would not pay for a wig, but I thought I might as well call this recommended place and finally find out.

Not a good day to do it actually, I was very emotional yesterday.

I got out my cell phone, sitting there in the car and I called the Wig Studio. I simply told her I was recommended to her from the cancer clinic and I needed to know if they accepted Medicare.

"I'm so sorry for you honey. I really am." she said with the softest, sorry voice.

I wasn't really ready for that. It kind of got me started right of the bat. I thought they would just be business like and not say anything like that.

"No, Medicare doesn't cover wigs. I'm sorry. " She was really sincere and concerned. It got to me.

"ok, Thanks." I said very matter of factly and was ready to hang up.

I was just going to go ahead with my idea of hats and scarves.

"Well what are you going to do?" she said very alarmed.

She asked if I had secondary insurance and I told I didn't have any. I told her I was going to do the hat and scarves thing.

"Oh no you can't do that! You're too young to do that. You can't! Come in here and see me. It's Christmas, I will give you a discount. Come talk to me." She was determined.

She was so kind and so serious. She didn't want me to hand up with out saying I would come in. The store was just about five mins away from where I was sitting in the parking lot.

I had starting crying. I get very emotional some days. I couldn't talk to her I was crying so much. I just felt kind of lost and confused and I didn't know what I wanted to do or even accept all this. I just didn't want to wear a wig. I'm still not sure why I didn't want a wig so much, but I really was against it.

"Are you alright honey?"

I couldn't even answer. She asked two or three times and then I finally squeaked out a yes. I was crying so hard I couldn't talk. I agreed to come over but I told I might not buy a wig. I would just talk to her.

I called my sister and told her to come to the store and be with me. Her husband came too! I knew it was really snowing hard and I was asking a lot, but I wanted the support and I wanted her there.

I got there and the store manager told me she too probably had breast cancer! Probably? I felt so bad for her. She told me that 89% of her customer's have cancer. Yikes. Now she too might.

She told me that she had a suspicious lump that they had done two or three biopsies on and two Dr.s had looked at it and they couldn't figure out if it was cancer.

I don't get that. But she is going through hell. What we women are going through is unbelievable. It really is. We did a lot of hugging and talking. I tried on a wig and my sister and brother-in-law came in.

I tried on several wigs and I was going to give it up. Turns out I have a flat head in the back. lol. Again, who knew. Another reason being bald might not look so good.

The wigs wouldn't stay on because there was no roundness in the back of my head to hold them down. Then I tried one on that looked really good and would stay on. I really was about to just fold my arms and say I just knew in the beginning that I would not be a wig person. But then this wig showed up.

It was a different color than my hair I have been having, but it is really pretty. Everyone thought it was a better color for me than what I have been having. I agreed too. It's a light ash brown instead of the dark brown I have been doing. It has a lot of colors in it too and the front is lighter than the back.

I said the most foolish thing too. I couldn't wear the wig stocking cause that won't stay on either and it holds all the real hair in it.

"But what about all my hair then, how will I hide it?"

Then everyone just stood there looking at me and I realized I wouldn't have any hair.

"Oh yeah, I'll be bald, what am I talking about?" Everyone just nodded. They didn't say a word.

I'm having a very hard time accepting all this and admitting that it is happening.

It took me still another hour or something, but then I finally decided to go ahead and get the wig. However, my sister and her husband insisted on buying it for me! They are great.

It is a beautiful wig, but even with the wonderful discount that Maria gave me, it was still very expensive. It is so beautiful I was willing to go ahead and buy it though. I was more willing to buy and wear a wig that looked that good.

A woman came in just as I had decided to buy it and I still had it on. She asked me if I was going to buy a wig.

"Yes, I'm buying this one!" I said as I pointed to my head!

She looked at my head and she couldn't believe it was a wig, so I took it off. We talked and she was there because she had breast cancer too.

She had come straight from her very first chemo treatment.

She was having chemo first of everything to try and shrink the tumor before surgery. Her tumor was five inches big, so they had to try and shrink it first. wow.

I don't understand how it can get that big before it is discovered. There is so much about breast cancer that I will never understand.

While we were talking and encouraging each other and hugging and everything, my sister and brother-in-law were buying the wig for me. I was torn between trying to get over there and thanking them and trying to split it with them etc, that I had already talked to them about (which they wouldn't allow) and talking to this woman about her cancer.

I have found that we women with breast cancer are like a sisterhood that support each other no matter where we are, no matter how we find each other, no matter what, period. It is a giant sisterhood too, I'm telling you. Everyone of us has a different story too. Amazing.

So, thanks to my sister and her husband I have a beautiful wig that I even wore out of the store.

I'm going to take it at Christmas and put it on with the little ones that are four years old.That way they can see me with hair and playing with a wig and get use to the idea. Then when I don't have hair they won't think much of it. They will just see me with that wig.

So now after all, I will be wearing a wig. I still have a couple hats and I will wear them with the wig. I asked and she said a loose hat in winter with the wig is ok. No ball caps though.

So things are changing for me daily. Now perhaps I need to change the name of my blog. I love my wig? It's the same idea. It's the same thing. I need to embrace it and love it. I'm working on it. The hat embracing was an easier idea for me. Now I have to embrace my wig. :)

Should I or Shouldn't I ?

I am so torn between posting any photos of my breast. It is so personal to say the least. Anyone and everyone would be able to see it.

However, if I do this, that would be one reason to do it.

When I found out that I had to have a lumpectomy or an hysterectomy I was terrified. I went on the internet trying to find everything and anything I could. But it was all so technical and dry and I was so lost in so many things and I couldn't really make any since of any of it. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I had to learn so much in the shortest amount of time in my life.

I wanted photographs and fast information in my language. It was hard to find if at all.

Was it because photographs scare people? Photographs of breasts are too sexual or personal? Even if they are related to surgery? Too individual to each case? I don't know. I really don't.

As I have mentioned before I have lived in CA for many years and drawn the naked body for many more years, so I'm not as fearful of showing the naked body as some. I think it is beautiful in all it's shapes and forms and individuality. I think it's beautiful and not necessarily just a sexual vessel. There is far more to our bodies than that.

But since living on the East Coast, I now find a whole new way of group thinking. People on the east coast might be very offended by just viewing a naked breast in any form, be it art and even historically. They often will not let their children view famous artists in galleries or museums hanging work containing naked bodies. They themselves are often offended. Boggles the mind.

So now I'm confused and timid about showing my breast, even altered so that it is not so realistic and dramatic, softened and blurred a bit and delicate and posted very small. Should I or shouldn't I? I'm very on the fence about it. I've been thinking about it since I started this blog.

I've been wondering just why I'm doing this blog. I know it is for me. Is it for others too? What for and why? I'm not totally sure yet and that is why I have not yet sent this blog out to others. It's still somewhat of a secret. If you are reading this, you have just found it on your own and it is a surprise. Hi. :) Glad to meet you.

I would love to know what anyone thinks about my posting any photos like this here. I really need some feed back. In fact, I don't even know if blogspot will allow it now that I think about it.

Great News once again

I don't have to have a third surgery. I get to keep my breast!!! I'm so happy you would never believe how much. I was doing the happy dance in my apartment. :) I called people to tell them and dancing the whole while I was telling them.

I went with my good friend, Lee, to a juried art show (only the best art was allowed in the show) that she and her husband were in, on Friday.

I warned her that I might get a call from one of two Dr.s while we were out, that might be a bit upsetting to me if they were bad news.


She was funny cause she said, "Don't answer the phone while we're out.".

We both laughed, but I think she was a bit serious. It's hard to handle all this and with other people around it's even harder. But I really had to take the calls. Only one Dr. called but it wasn't the one I thought that would.

All day I had one ear turned to listen for my phone. I heard Lee's phone ringing and I said I'd wait and she says, "oh is that my phone?" I just kind of giggled and said yeah.

Then we were driving home and my phone rang. My heart jumped out. Then I heard the person say, "This is Dr. Danning." My surgeon. yikes! I knew this meant whether I was going to have a mastectomy or not. I almost was going to tell her to wait 'cause I had someone in the car with me, but I really needed to know. I knew Lee could handle it with me, or at least I hoped she could or would.

"It's great news, both borders came back clean."

I was so relieved and I didn't even know for sure what to say. Every time someone tells me something good I'm in doubt at first. So I asked her again. She confirmed again. I was wiggling up and down in the seat. I was glad I wasn't driving. I was so thankful and telling Lee all the good news and we were so happy.

I told her that she was my good luck lady like they do at gambling tables. You know, the guy that tells the woman that she has to roll the dice for him for good luck. Something like that. I told her she had to be with me every time I got one of those phone calls from now on. lol. She had a worried look on her face, but then I said I don't think I will get any more of those phone calls. Thank God. I really don't think so. I should be all done with those horrible phone calls. Now I'm all on to the next steps. No more surgery and that horrible waiting and stress.

This Thursday I have to have surgery to have the port put in, but that should be relatively easy. They are still treating it just like the other surgeries with all the same care and worries, but the healing and stuff I think is going to be very easy.

They don't like that my white blood count is up and they made me have another blood test for that. That kind of made me a little irritated. She thought it was from the cold I had, but I've had two surgeries since then. Did they never check my blood count then? I shouldn't be having an infection from the surgeries, so what is going on? She told me she would call me back on Friday for that, but she didn't. Figures. She was indicating that this port surgery could be affected by my white blood count. grrrr. I hope not. But I guess I have enough time for that if they put that off. I don't have chemo until Jan 4. I never thought all this was so complicated and took so much time.

But it's great news now again. I'm so thankful. I feel like someone is watching over me.

When I found out that I didn't have cancer in my lymph nodes I was so thankful I was tearful. I was in the surgeons office and telling her how thankful I was and my sister was saying it too.

The Dr. was just about to leave the room, she had her hand on the door knob and leaving and she stopped and turned around and looked at us and she said,

"That is so nice. You know I never hear that. It's really nice to hear that." She was really smiling and happy too. I almost started crying right then and there.

I was and am very thankful. I'm not thankful that I have cancer, mind you. I'd rather not have it of course. I don't have a choice about and no control over it. But since I don't, I am thankful for many of the good things that have come with it. I know personally some of the very, very bad, and perhaps that is what makes me so thankful.

I had a wonderful day yesterday with an eagle, Migisi. I want to post about that later today or tomorrow. It was truly wonderful and amazing. My encounter with an American Bald Eagle.

Appointment Canceled

I couldn't sleep all night. I had a horrible night just thinking about the test results, wondering if they got all the cancer this time.

This morning way early, they called me and canceled the appointment because they didn't have the pathology report yet.

Man. I think I really just might go nuts. The stress is unbelievable. I was fine on the phone, but as soon as I hung up I started crying and crying really hard. Harder than almost any other time. All this waiting and waiting is really catching up with me. I really just might go nuts and have a personality change.

The thing is I have to call all these people and tell them once again, that I don't know anything. All these phone calls are great but they are also stressful when I don't have news or horrible news or just etc. I hadn't thought about any of that. My sister is helping me with that and she offered to call my mom today. I love everyone but it's hard.

I called my other sister this morning and she gets all upset and I have to deal with that. Then she starts talking about fabric and stuff in her life and I just told her I couldn't talk about that stuff right now.

Then she starts telling me I need to cancel other appointments and I was just very aggravated and irritated. She's not here and doesn't actually know what is going on and I just didn't feel like explaining everything right then. No I don't need to this and that and I actually do know what I'm doing etc. It's hard and I'm really getting irritated. I don't know how other people do it. I don't know how I do it. I snapped at her and she acted like a hurt puppy. I told her not to take it personally I just wanted to call and tell her I wouldn't know anything and I was very irritated and needed to go. She still acted very hurt. I can't deal with it.

I'm going shopping again and being by myself til my next appointment today. Ug and rats and a few other choice words. I have no control in my life at all anymore and I had very little to start with. Ack. I'm going to be in the poor house at this rate but I'll look good I guess. lol.

Cleveland Snow and Making Christmas Cards

We have been having a huge snow storm for, I think three days now. It feels like a week, I'm telling you.It's still going today and will be tomorrow too. I hate being locked in with snow storms. I could never live in some wintery, snowy place where you had to put on clothes where you couldn't see the person every time you went out and you had to use a vehicle that was made for some kind of winter war deployment. How do people live like that in places like Alaska?


I went out yesterday anyway. Man, I couldn't see more than ten feet in front of me. I couldn't go more than twenty miles an hour and everyone had to stop about twenty feet before any stop sign or light. Everyone for the most part drives really well here in bad weather. It's really quite amazing. You just drive almost like you are walking and you turn corners like you are driving a tracker.

I did really well until I got right home. Then someone in my own development scared the hell out of me. I thought for sure she was going to hit me! I was ready to get out of the car and find out who she was. I couldn't believe it. There is a parking lot in the center of where I live and I was coming in and she was going out. She was going out right in the middle of the road of course though. Just as I was coming in....she just kept on coming! I had no where to go. She missed me by very short inches. What the hell she was thinking, I have no idea. She could have waited just five seconds and it would have been really safe, but she had that dazed look on her face and she just kept on driving. I really thought she was going to hit me.

I know it probably sounds like I might have been the one that should have stopped, but I was already going in. I had no where to go. If I had made it all day with no accident and she hit me in my new car....I hate to think what I would be posting today. But I made it home ok thank God. I had turned around and hardly did what I had planned for that day because of the snow. It was just way too bad.

I really would like to go out and take photos. I'm dying to really. I might get out and do that. I would love to go to Everett Bridge and get some snow photos of that. That's a bit far and rough and I don't think I'm in shape for that today. My camera is a bit heavy and I don't know if I can do it yet. I might have to pass it up today. Rats. I wanted to do it yesterday and my breast was hurting so much I couldn't even drive much. That was another reason I turned around.

When I first moved here from S.F I took a lot of snow pictures. I froze myself to death taking them. I didn't have the right clothes or anything. Now I have some cloths and I can't get out. Maybe I'll go some place close today just to feel good. I LOVE taking photos and if I haven't done it for awhile I really miss it. I mean I really miss it and feel like something is wrong. More than drawing and painting actually. I guess that means I'm more of a photographer than a painter. But I can't give up the drawing and painting either. I tried both. I just have to do both. That's the way it is.

So I went to a very special great paper store that is very very close to me yesterday. People come there from all over, even other states. I bought supplies to make Christmas cards. I'm late with that, but I think I can get it done. They will be pretty simple. I'm just going to do a simple watercolor and scan that, print it on a silk inkjet paper I bought and then make that into cards. It's snowing all day today again so it will be a good day to stay inside and make cards.



Well I just can't help but worry about my next Dr.'s appointment no matter how much I try not to. The closer it gets the more I'm worrying about it. It's this Thursday. That's when I'll know if I have to have a mastectomy or if these two surgeries were enough. I'm still very sore from the last one on last Thursday but I'm healing much better this time.

This time the clinic has called me numerous times where as the last time they only called me once. Interesting. This time I'm healing much better and they are calling me much more and the last time when I wasn't they only called me once. Must be cause they realized I didn't heal so well last time.

I'm just a bit tiered of it this time. It's really only been a few days since the last surgery, but my mind and body are counting from the first surgery. That's another reason I don't want to do the mastectomy but I really just don't want to do it for many reasons.

So today will be a good day to keep busy making cards and maybe wrapping presents. Today will be a Christmas day. All snowy and warm inside.

When I lived in S.F. I saw homeless people every single day I lived there and it made me very thankful for the most basic elements in life. A cover over my head, warmth and food. Safety that I can count on and sleep well in the night.

These things we forget about and take for granted. When you see homeless people sleeping on the streets of a city with no warmth, no guaranteed food, and no safety, it makes you think....or at least it should.

Thank you God for what I have. The warmth , safety, food and friends and love in my life.

My Mom Was Treated Better Than Me

I woke to another snowy day. There are soft floating puffs of snow drifting down from the light gray sky again today. It snowed all day yesterday too. It was a much brighter day yesterday though. Lots of sunshine yesterday. Today looks like it's going to be a Cleveland Gray day.

Some artists friends and I were talking one day and we decided it would be a great name for a water color. Just pick up a tube of Cleveland Gray and you know just what color of gray you are going to get. I really like that. There is already just a tad of snow on the ground so there will be just a tad more today I think. I don't think even with snowing all day that there will be much. I'm not at all ready for the winter yet. I better get ready though. It's here.

I have spent all morning trying to update and fix my blog the way that I want it. I have another blog that I have worked on for two years. I have not had a single problem with adding a slide show and photos to it, yet now when I want to do it here I have had every problem you can imagine. I simply can not make either one work. I have tried over and over and over to put a slide show here of my work and I keep getting someone eles work. Not just one someone else but other peoples, yet never mine! Even when I keep using my own flickr account I get other people. It's so frustrating I can't use the words here. I'm about to give up, but I never give up. The slide show there now is kind of pretty so I think I'm leaving it there for now. lol. I like it. But be asured, it's not mine and mine will be there one of these days!

Even the photo I wanted to post by itself of my hat will not post correctly! ug. But eventually it will all work out. I have a friend that worked on her blog for 6 months before she got it right and told people about it.

I have not told people about this blog yet. I have told one single friend about this blog. She is a very good friend and I wanted her feed back and some help maybe, but I'm not ready to tell anyone else yet. I wasn't sure what I would be saying here either. I don't want to censor myself knowing that friends would read this. If they did of course. lol. It's a lot of reading sometimes.


I had the surgery and staid at my sisters for two days. That frist day was so long I didn't know it was only one day. At the end of the day I was talking to my sister and I was so tired of the pain and everything and I wasn't sure if I should take more pain pills and we were talking and then suddenly I reallized it had only been yesterday that I had had the surgery. I was so shocked. It had felt like eons.

I think part of that was because I had already had surgery a week before and I hadn't had time to heal from that yet. I'm getting tired and I just want to move on with my life some how. That's not going to happen though and I know it. I'm starting to get frustrated and moody. The pain under my arm is bugging me a lot still and then my breast and there is still that knowledge that we don't know if the surgeon got all the cancer out even this time.

If she didn't get it then I have to have yet another surgery and have a mastectomy. I really don't want to do that. I really don't want to now, not only because of it being a mastectomy but just between us, I'm getting really tired of this surgery stuff. I'm tired of hurting. Now I have a bigger scar but it is healing much better than the other one. That's good at least. I got a tighter bra and bound myself in so that it couldn't pull apart this time. I just had to take it off today though.

I don't know how in the hell the Japanese women ever bound their feet. I have a book on that with photos of it. Oh my god. It's horrible. It's criminal. It really is. When I was living in S.F. and I rode the buses, there was a really, really old woman that would get on the bus. She wore cloth draped all over her body so that you really couldn't see any form of her except that there was a head, body and feet. She walked very slowly, head down with a cane and her feet were bound. I never thought I would ever in my life see a woman with her feet bound. I felt so bad for her, I wanted to help her every day I saw her and ask her questions, but I never did either. I think I would these days. I was young and chicken back then. She must have had an amazing story.


I think I have mentioned that my mother sort of freaked out when I told her that I had breast cancer.

She freaked out in several ways, but one of them and very typical of her, was that she decided that she must have breast cancer. That is my mother for you. Well, many, many months ago she had gotten a notice that she was due for a mammogram but she ignored it. I'm talking maybe 8 or 9 months ago. She decided she was too old for those things, being 87. Now she had changed her mind.

Of all things that damned mamogram came back that she had to have a diagnostic one. Can you believe that? We didn't. It was for a Saturday too. We didn't think they did them on Saturdays either. I had to check on it and sure enough it was on a Saturday and it was for a diagnostic. Man!

She was sure she had cancer. She was driving herself and us crazy thinking she had cancer for almost a month. I was kind of mean, but I told her I couldn't deal with her cancer until after I had my (first) surgery. The very day after my surgery she was talking about it and worrying herself and us crazy. It was really hard for me to think of us both having cancer at the same time to be very honest. It was really hard. Very.

So we went in yesterday, Saturday, and she came out fine. She does not have cancer, thank God. She was very happy, but she came out saying, "Now all I have to worry about is having a stroke or a heart attack." That's my mom.

My sister came too, so we all went to a really nice lunch to celebrate. While we were sitting there waiting for our food and my mom was just talking casually of course. I was still a little frustrated and mad that she only had to wait a few weeks for her diagnostic while I had had to wait two months. I couldn't understand it. I just don't understand it. I really don't. All that still upsets me to be very honest.

Then my mom says," Well they were trying to schedule me and I said I wanted it at the Strongsville office because it was so much easier. Then they said ok, but I had to promise to be sure to show up because they had to schedule me for an appointment within a month of my first mamogram."

WHAT? WHAT? Did I hear her right?

She was sitting right next to me. I turned to her and I asked, "What did they say to you?"

She said it again in little different way. I asked her again and I said, they told you that you had to be seen within a month? She said yeah. I asked her that three times!

My mind was spinning again. I was looking at my sister across from me and back at my mom
over and over again.


My sister just kept saying, "Get a lawyer."

Maybe I should. Maybe if I hadn't had to wait so long the cancer would not have broken out of the milk duct. That's a photo of one cancer cell there. Just one tiny one. Think how many of those were working in my body. Breaking out of the milk duct. How long did that take? What if I had not waited so long? Would it not have broken out?

Could that be true? How would I know? How come no one felt that way about me, that I had to be seen within a month? I had an actual lump right there that you could feel and no one felt that it was important. Not one person cared. How come? It was getting bigger and I was just left hanging in the wind. The Cleveland Clinic just didn't give a crap about me for some reason. How come? I called two other places to try and get an earlier appointment and I couldn't get one. I wasn't even told that there was a third place that I could call...a bigger place that did diagnostic mamos. I found out myself later when someone else...a patient mentioned it months later.

I'm really upset. I really am. I'm not sure what to do about. Do I just let it go or do I do something about this? Will I always wonder about this my whole life? Or do I do something about this? If I knew a lawyer I know I would ask questions right away. But I don't. I don't know if I want to bother with all that or not. But this really upsets me.

My own mother was treated better than me.

How come? The very same place. The very same people. And I was told to "let it go. Go forward and forget about it." The surgeon actually took me by my arms and held them down and told me to forget about this and move forward. "let it go.", she said holding my arms.

I'm really upset. I just might talk to someone at least.

Anyway I'm really glad that my mom does not have cancer.

Second Surgery Today

I've been up since 5am and I'm pretty much ready for surgery today. I just want to get it over with and know if the Dr. gets it all this time. If she doesn't then I have to have the mastectomy and then change all the appointments I made yesterday. All this cancer treatment takes a lot of coordination and planning. It takes much more time than I had ever thought.

I was so nervous about going to oncology yesterday, you know if you read yesterdays post. I had to take some compozine before I left. I have never done that before in my life. Never. But I honestly thought I might throw up before I got there. I got to the parking lot and had to sit there for a couple mins and then I realized it was just making it worse. I told myself to get a grip cause this was only just the very, very beginning and I had no choice, so get the giddy up and get out there and do this. So I jumped out of the car into the cold blistering wind and snow and skittered into the building.

I got inside and my mind went blank. Who's the Dr. and where do I actually go? I thought I knew, but had I just made that up? No one had actually told me where to go when I thought about it. Great. So I tried looking it up on the big black Dr. list and I couldn't find it so I had to go over to the ob office and ask the wonderful woman I'm getting to know on a personal basis already. She was so nice to me. I had the wrong name of the Dr. Oh well.

So I went up there and checked in and then the receptionists points to the wall and a door and says you can go have a seat. Oh yeah?

I looked at her and I said, "You're pointing over there?"

She said, "Oh yes. You guys get your own waiting room. Go right through and have a seat.".


Ok, I guess I should have felt good about that maybe, but I didn't.

"Us guys"?

Already I was one of those "us guys"? The special people and separated already? It just felt really strange and not all that comforting to me at all. Maybe it should have, but I didn't at all. I was walking right into that land that I didn't want to go into.

So I opened that big hard door that was a bit heavy and walked in, in spite of myself.

There I was in cancer land. I had walked into it. I was a part of it now. I'm a cancer patient. ug. yuk. and a few other choice words.

I waited and realized already I should be bringing books and things.

I saw the Dr and she is really nice. She is young and talks a little fast and is a little scattered in her thoughts, though she tries really hard.

I hate it when I walk into a Dr. office and they have no clue why I'm there or what is going on with me. Sometimes that is ok but when there are important things going on I really think the Dr. should have previous knowledge of the case they are dealing with. I'm old enough that Dr. use to do that.

Now they walk into the room and tell you to let them catch up and figure out what is going on with the patient they are dealing with in the room they are in right now. Can't change it, so what are you going to do.

Yeah, that's what she did, and sure as hell I want her to know what is going on with me. So she read the computer and caught up with my case...other wise known as me and then she asked me many, many questions that I have been asked a hundred times before. I rather they do that too actually. I want each of them to know what is going on if they have to do it how ever.

Then she tried to start telling me what will happen with me. It took me awhile to realize at first she was telling me stuff that I didn't even want to hear because she was giving me full disclosure for consent to treat. I was hearing stuff about what doesn't work for me and I was wondering if it doesn't work then why are you telling me. I'm having a hard enough time understanding what does work.

But then I also realized that many people choose not to have chemo.

I had a friend that chose not to and she died. She left two children behind too. I had forgotten about that. So she had to explain so much to me so that I could sign the paper that said I want to do chemo and I know all about it. I signed it.

That too was actually more eventful than I thought it would be. I was all alone in the room to read it at leisure. It was very cold and a corner room showing the dark gray snowy day out there. The sun was pushing through heavy clouds making it a hard glare on my eyes. I had a very bad headache, no surprise. I didn't like the room much. I thought it should be much more comforting and cozy and emotionally soothing. It wasn't. Not even a picture on the wall. Was it always going to be like this?

She explained it like this if I do understand it right.

For me the chemo pill that so many people take does not work at all. It is worthless. I have estrogen negative tumor so it doesn't work on that. I can't use that at all. Some people just take that and don't do chemo drugs...i.v. at all.

So I need chemo drugs in an i.v. I need a group of drugs of three or four. They have side effects etc that they watch and follow and work with. We all know about that stuff. I have to take pills before chemo and after and they do other stuff. I didn't know I had to take pills before and after.They are going to explain that more again after I recover from surgery.

I have to take this chemo once a week for six cycles which they mean six times. That comes out to about six months. Three weeks is almost a month, so about every month I have to have it.

Then when that it is done I have to have another round of chemo with a different drug which I forget the name of it again now. This one is for the HER2 positive part of the tumor.

I had thought that the estrogen negative was really the bad part. It is bad, but apparently the HER2 is worse. She told me the really bad thing about it, was that it was very aggressive and that the cancer was very likely to come back. Great. I'm just learning more and more.

She also told me that because the tumor was over 1cm that chemo is always suggested. So I have three reasons and now I know why they were telling me even before surgery that I would have to do chemo.

So chemo for this HER2 is going to be for a year!

Then I have radiation.

So I will be having cancer treatments for almost 2 years or something. That is if everything goes well and there are no hitches and slow downs during the treatment process. It will take at least that long. wow. I knew it was a long road, but it's a bit longer that I had thought. I was thinking one year.

So I went shopping. I never used that cure before ever in my life. Well, sometimes I would go shopping for art supplies. That is very true. But I never shopped for cloths and things.

I bought another black hat. :) It's bigger and even blacker I realized. It's for different times. It was on sale. Not really at first, but I kept talking to the sales women and I said I would come back later to see if it was on sale. Then the one got out her little gun and said...oh look it's on sale. So I bought it. It was a $60 hat for only $36, how could I not??

I spent the day shopping for some more Christmas presents and had to go home cause my feet work killing me. That neuropothy is horrible. Sometimes I can hardly walk at all.

Then I decided to go to an art club meeting that I haven't been to in ages. I kept missing it for all kinds of reasons. A friend of mine was giving a presentation on color and I hadn't seen people for ages so I went.

It's called Brunswick Art Works. I use to be on the board but I just had to give it up and do a little less a while back.

When I walked in I got the greatest greeting from everyone all at once. It was so nice. I wasn't expecting it at all. In fact I thought people might be a bit mad that I had missed so many meetings. But everyone was very nice and very comforting and almost everyone knew what I was going through.

Word is getting out and that is fine. I'm just not use to it yet. Then talking to everyone about it. Then listening to everyone's stories. One woman was very huggie and wrapping her arms around me. I am still sore from the first surgery. I kept backing away but she kept coming closer again.

Some people do that. Finding your personal space is hard sometimes with certain people. Then later at the end of the meeting she came up out of no where behind me and grabbed me again wrapping herself around, getting right there and telling me how I was going to be fine because she was fine from her breast cancer twenty years ago.

I really do understand this and then I don't. It's a bit like saying I just jumped off that cliff into the surf and I made it and I'm fine so now when you do it you will be fine too. Oh yeah? Really? Would that make me jump off? Never. But I do understand people trying to comfort you and figure out how to do it. They just aren't very good at it many times.

I do have many good friends that are really, really good at it though. I am very fortunate. Lee, was there last night and she is great. She is a good friend and she some how knows how to be a very supportive friend too. No one tells you how to be and you can't learn it, so it's hard to do. But she is very good. Marie called me last night again to check on me about surgery and she is great too. She has had breast cancer and she is early in her stages too. I can talk to her about a lot of it. It's really nice to talk to her.

My sister friends...my group that I hang with are all great. That's Marie that I just talked about and Jennie and Gayle and Delma and sometimes Barb hangs with us too. They are all so great. I would hate to do this with out them. I really would. We laugh and cry together. We laugh so much. I was thinking about calling Delma this morning before I left but I don't think she gets up that early no matter what she says. lol.

So I'm off. One more surgery. Lee said she was very upset that I had to have surgery again but then she had talked to another of our friends that has breast cancer. She too had to have a second surgery. It is pretty common and I knew that. She had a mastectomy the second time around. I'm not sure why, but she did. Now that I'm hearing more about the HER2 maybe I should too but all the research shows that it doesn't make any difference. I just hope I don't have to have the third sugery and then end up having the mastectomy any way. I really don't want to do that, but I may have to. I kind of am thinking it might go that way. But I hope not. Hope with me that it doesn't. Bye all.

Seeing Oncologist First Time Today

I have my first oncology appointment this morning. I'm very nervous about it.

I didn't even know it or admit it til late yesterday. I was watching television minding my own business and suddenly out of no where I burst into tears and started talking out loud. I had to go to oncology. I had to start chemo. I had to start being a cancer patient tomorrow. I just started crying about it. Wow where did that come from?

I was looking up to the skies talking to my late boyfriend and feeling a bit sorry for myself and once again some how angry at him or something.

I just want to be able to talk to him sometimes even now. More now.

I had just gotten to the point that I didn't feel like I needed to talk to him all the time and now this. Now this. Now I need to talk to him a lot again and he isn't here. Not one bit.

I think that is why I'm doing this blog. I think. One reason at least. I wish he was here. I need to hear his voice. I need to hear his reason and logic. I need to hear his love. All the kinds of his love. He could make me feel so good. I allowed him to say things to me that if someone else said the same kind of thing I would blow up. He just rang a different bell with me. I wish so much we could ring together now. We just can't. He's not here anymore.

Mark died from a rare form of prostate cancer a little over two years ago.

He always went for his physical every single year. He had to and he did. His job required it and he went. Part of that physical was checking his prostate. He was always fine. All the years he was fine, then that next year he went in and had his check up and he wasn't.

He felt fine. He didn't suspect anything at all. Nothing. Why would he?

They brought him into their office and sat him down and told him he had this rare form that is very aggressive and very deadly and that he had only three months to live. Can you imagine that?

I didn't even know there were different kinds of prostate cancer. When I tell people about this, their very first response is always, "He should have gone for physicals."

It makes me so angry. People should ask first. I don't feel like explaining, I get tired of it. I feel like I need to defend him. I feel like I have to educate these people, but I hate it. I loved him and I have defend him for dying every time I tell someone. It wasn't his fault. It is never anyone's fault. Saying that to a care giver and a loved one is quite mean and the person saying it has no idea. They just don't think about it. They have no idea.

He was very intelligent and very assertive and did a lot of research and found where he wanted treatment for the best results and longest life span. He did get into research programs eventually and he survived longer than just about anyone with this type of cancer. They talked about putting him in published reports etc. But it was his life and his struggle.

We talked and talked and talked. I listened and I felt for him more than anyone before in my life. I loved him. I fell in love with him. I actually didn't want to, to be honest. It's a long story, much too long for here, for now, but I fell hard for him. Harder than anyone else in my life. I tried not to for many reasons. I cut it off with him three times. I really didn't think I would allow myself to fall for him. I was trying to be careful and protect myself. He told me I was the toughest person he had ever known. He really thought I was going to cut it off with him. He couldn't believe it. I guess no one had before. I could believe that some how. But I succumbed. I needed him as much if not more than he needed me.

Now I need him more again.

I can't help but think of some of the horrible hard times I went through with him emotionally while he was dying.

I would be on the phone with him in public and feel like I was going to pass out. Literally. I would have to sit down on the floor or on display furniture. He would be so emotional but only in our way. In a way that I knew was very serious; a place that he didn't go to very often. I would try to be supportive and listen but it would be tearing out my guts so much I thought I would just pass out right there where I was. I couldn't let him know that. He would hear me trying to stifle the cries and whisper words to him; he would hear the silent pauses and we both knew how serious things were getting.

I loved him so much in so many ways. It was a hard love and a sweet love. It was a beautiful love and the most complicated love in my life. There are parts to that world I have never been able to talk about to anyone. I'm crying through the tears now.

My life has been such a soap opera. A crazy soap opera. It just keeps going on that way. I'll probably talk more about the soap opera for some reason, but if you read it you might not even believe it. Some times I don't.

My very first love in my life died of cancer too. I was in college and we fell in love. He fell for me first and I was a bit slow to come around. He was so fast it scared me a bit. Maybe a lot.

My room mate in college, Meela introduced us. Meela's boyfriend's best friend was Mike. Thus I met Mike. It took some time but we became an item. A strange one, but we became one. Again there is a long story there but I'm not going into it here.

Then a life changing event happened in my life and Mike and I had a very difficult time dealing with it. This is something I will talk about later in my blog because it will probably be important, just as important as cancer to be honest.

Mike ended up turning to Meela trying to figure out what was happening to me and they fell in love. Yep, that happened. Eventually I became the godmother of their child. Long, long story. Even much longer, longer story Mike woke up one morning with a siezure only to learn that he had a brain tumor. He too had a Dr. sitting right next to him telling him he had only three months to live.

Never in the history of the world has a person sat next to another, with such appointed power, as much as a god, to tell that person that they are absolutely going to dye. We have never before allowed a person to look us in the eyes and tell us we are going to die and when and how. It's a horrible thing in so many ways even if it has it's points. This is a lot of power to give someone. Anyone. It is a tremendous power. It can even be a killing power if you ask me.

Both of my loved ones survived far beyond their appointed deaths. They did not accept their appointed deaths nor their diagnosed process of dying. They both did it their way and only their way. I admire that and it took a lot of growth on my part too. I learned so much from each of them. I love them both.

Mike had called me to tell me he was gong to dye the next day. That phone call changed my life. It was the longest and hardest conversation I have ever had if you can imagine. I went through so many emotions in that one conversation. I knew him so well, I knew he would dye the next day. I knew it would happen, there was no question, so everything we talked about was as real as you can ever get in life. Finally at the end I had to accept that he was allowed to decide what he wanted. It was ok. It was his life and he had the right to choose how to deal with it. It wasn't my choice or my right to tell him what he could or couldn't do. Man that was hard. Really hard. hanging up was even harder. How do hang up the phone when you know the person is going to dye and you will never speak to them again. It took another long while to get to that point.

He did dye the next day. I knew he would. I wasn't surprised. I knew where he was and I was glad to have had that conversation with him. I also had a lot to process. It took me many years. Many. That was about 17 years ago. Can you tell I still have that big huge space for that conversation in me, but I have finally dealt with it as much as a person can I believe.

I did tell Mark that he was not allowed to call me like that however. I made him promise me. He did promise. But we were in different states.

I did get a call somewhat like that. I almost hung up. His voice was so soft I almost didn't hear it. I thought no one was on the phone. Then I heard him. My heart jumped through my body. It was him. Instantly I knew it was that phone call. It was the last one. I would never be able to speak to him again. But I got to speak to him then. He was so weak he could barely talk to me. We did talk. I was crying softly trying not to be awful. Trying to keep our promises. I couldn't hang up.

He said, "Hush, hush. I love you." So softly.

This hurts to remember and makes me cry, but it's all there anyway. That's why I'm scared today. I'm not like them, but I have all these memories. It' s hard to put them away and keep them locked there. They keep knocking at the door. I keep seeing them. I keep hearing them. I want to talk to them. I can't. I can only talk here. I can't see for the tears right now.

I learned so much from them. But there is much pain too. The years go by and life changes and love and happiness goes on too. But the memories never go away. The good and the sad.

So I have a lot of cancer experience from these two that I can't just lock up and not think about.

Those two are put away in a place that is surround with stained glass. Beautiful stained glass that you can almost see through. It's so gorgeous you can't help but look at it, but you just don't see all it at once at least.

That's where they stay in my mind on a life bases, there for access when needed. Mark has been jumping out of there a lot lately. I kind of would like for him to just stand by the glass and be there and not be so much forward maybe. I'm just not so sure anymore. I'm not sure about anything any more.

So I have to go for my first oncology appointment all by myself today. I know it will be an hour long.

My sister is not going with me. She started in with the "if you want me to go with you" and to me that is always a clue that it's a time that person needs a break or for what ever reason they just don't want to go.

That's ok. That's good. I need for them to say that. Care givers need to take care of themselves too. Very much so. I want her to take care of herself and not get burned out. I know her and my family and I know that when she wants to go she says it. She says "I want to go with you if it's ok". That works great.

So it's five am right now. Yep. I couldn't sleep so I wrote. I told you I'm not doing so well with this.



The last of beautiful trees are gone.

Winter is here today, this morning. The glowing red trees and the bright yellow willow trees lost their leaves with the whipping rains and sleet this last night. No more leaves left to watch. Except for one. I forget the name of it. I have one right in front of my picture window in my living room. I love it so much. I watch this tree all year.

This tree never looses it's leaves all winter. Nary a one. The leaves turn a beautiful array of colors in fall and glows like a ball of fire with certain sun shinning on it. Then as winter starts it begins to turn brown. It gets darker and darker and the leaves curl and blow in the wind like little dingle balls. They never blow away. They just hang there and tough it out all winter long. The snow collects and sticks on each of them and piles up high. Ice freeze over and weighs them down. They never fall off. They just hang in there and keep hanging there over and over through thick and thin all winter. How can a person not identify with these beautiful things?

Then spring begins to appear. The leaves are still brown. They still blow in the wind like crazy. They dangle and whip around and get beaten like they are made of steal, yet they are paper thin. I've examined them. They are, they are paper thin.

Then one day a wind comes and they all begin to fly away. They all talked to each other and they decided to leave. One by one they begin to just fly away. Then more and then more. Suddenly they are flying away as if birds on a wire. In two or three days they are all gone. Poof. They are gone after all that winter and struggle. Gone.

Then the new buds start showing and it all starts again. I love this tree. I really love it. I have watched this tree for about nine years now. We have a relationship. I think it's about to get stronger.

Well I shall try and do something else or maybe even improve this blog a bit. I want to add somethings to the blog like a slide show and other things. As things begin to settle down with me I will be talking more about art and showing more art believe it or not. That is my plan. I thought I would have more by now actually. My emotions have really taken over though.

I guess I'll be talking about what happens at the oncology appointment. I'm sure it's not going to be that bad. I'm just going to be told what to expect and what will be ahead of me. lordy lordy lordy.

More Surgery

I bought beautiful earrings yesterday. They are so beautiful. I use to make silver jewelry. I have a real fondness for beautiful things. I bought these after my Dr.s appointment.

I saw the surgeon yesterday. I wasn't nervous at all. Not one bit. I was still on a high. No cancer in my lymph nodes. I still am so happy about that. There is much sad history in my life about cancer with boyfriends, which I haven't really even gone into yet . But that alone makes me very, very happy that I have no cancer in my lymph nodes.

I was checking the surgery sites quite often to make sure they were healing really well since I'm still even now on prednisone. Being on steroids makes you heal in a lot of ways and on the other hand makes it hard for you to heal in other ways. I'm taking it to help get rid of this darn asthma cough that I still have! It's getting much better, but it is still there and my voice is still rough. It's making me, or as some would say, I'm allowing it, to make me grouchy. Turns out quite a few things kept getting me grouchy through out the day yesterday and I just kept getting more and more grouchy. My poor sister was with me most of the day and guess what happens? I started snapping at her. So we know what to do when we get like that with each other in the past and I think it's still a good policy now....take our separate ways for awhile.

Anyway, I was all set to tell the good Dr. that one part of the incision at the breast site had not held together and I was going to even ask her if maybe a stitch or two might be required. It was still weeping from time to time but not bad. It just wasn't going to heal as nicely as the rest of the wound.


I had said it was ok for my sister to come back with me. She is supporting me totally with all this and there is so much information to absorb with all this. I didn't know I was going to be examined right away first though. So she was there for the whole thing. We are so close and closer and closer now, it didn't really matter. Some funny things have happened through out all this though.

The first time she saw me naked she said, " You don't have any nipples!".

I looked down knowing she had to be wrong because I had been fully aware that I did and nothing in that area had changed lately and I hadn't even had surgery at that point.

I looked back up at her and asked, "What do you mean, I surely do?"

"Well, mine are dark and you don't have any! How come yours are like that?"


She was really being honest and quite surprised I could see.

Yeah we are sisters, but still we have different coloring. When she was just a little kid her black hair was so black it honestly had blue highlights. It was so beautiful. People would stop my mother and accuse her of dying her hair and how could she do that to such a young child. She has always had darker skin than me.

We have olive skin from our fathers side and my mother has blond hair and blue eyes. Our older sister got both of those and my younger sister and I got the darker hair and brown eyes. People use to think we all had different fathers or even mothers but we are all from the same two people. We all in this world just have many colors and it shows up even in one family.

I looked back again at her and said, "Well we just have different coloring. I'm more pink. I have nipples but they are more pink than yours is all. For heavens sake."

I really thought about it and to tell you the truth having lived in S.F. for all kinds of reasons, one being hot tubs, I had seen a lot of naked people. I had to think back to that and realized most people don't see other people naked. Too bad really. Also drawing naked people in art school I had seen a whole lot of naked women and men and I had become quite use to it.

So it seems I'm getting off the subject but I'm not. I'm talking about the beautiful body and loving or hating it. That's what I'm talking about. I've learned a lot about that in the past years.

I love my naked body. I really do. It's not a beautiful one. Not by far. But I like it and sometimes I really love it.

When I found out I had breast cancer and had to have surgery on my breast I was in mourning for my breast.

I really was. Just for what ever was going to happen to it. I kept and still do, carress it and cuddle it and hold it. I talk to it. I was doing it in the Dr.'s office with out really thinking about it and my sister saw me do it.

"That's cute." she said.

"What?"

"The way you're holding your breast and talking to it." She was smiling.

"You poor thing. I'm sorry for you. My sweet baby."

I hold it and cuddle it. I don't mind that one bit. I had told my sister that I love my squishy large breast. I didn't want to loose any of either one of them. She was surprised and raised her eyebrows and looked at me. I guess people don't usually think like that or especially talk like that. But, yes, I love my breast. I really do.

So here I was on that darn examining table again with that horribly ugly green, crinkly, hundred old giant gown on with the Dr. bent over me looking at my beloved breast. Her face was right there next to mine which of course couldn't be avoided.

I was spouting off about the site not healing quite all the way but the surgeon had other things on her mind and I could tell. You can tell when a Dr. is not listen to you. Unfortunately, that is often.

I didn't know why though. I had just blocked out some of the things from my mind that I had thought about a lot before when I had to make a decision whether to have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. I had just put it all out of my mind for some reason. One thing that could happen with a lumpectomy was that not all the cancer would be removed because it was a guessing game when it came right down to it.

She started talking about the surgery itself and she wasn't talking about what I had been talking about. I knew something was wrong but I had to catch up to her mentally.

Switch gears fast, Valorie.

Took me a couple of seconds to do that, so I didn't really know what the first couple of things she said was. That's why it's good to have someone with you when you go see Dr.s about serious topics.

Then I realized she was talking about the pathology report. Why didn't she just say that? It would have helped me a lot. So the pathology report said what? It said she hadn't gotten all the cancer out. Great. I had forgotten that was a very real possibility.

She was being really nice and gentle and for my part beating around the bush.

This is great for some people but I hate it. Just give it to me and don't make me have to guess what the hell you are talking about. She hadn't actually said it yet even. I had figured it out.

"So you're saying you didn't get it all, right?" I was being a little ticked off because she was wishy washy and not direct.

"Please, just tell me out right, be direct. I want to know."

"There are two parameters that still show cancer cells and we have to get those out."

"So I have to have more surgery then?"

"Yes. We have to get all the cancer out." Her face was still right there bent over my breast looking right at me and still touching my breast. She was being tender and caring but honestly it was strange.

We're talking about my breast and tossing more of it away and more surgery and more mental centering and gathering.

The mental part of excepting all this information is hard. It feels like compacting data and putting it away into a special place that sits there. That is the place for it. It stays there for further investigation and processing at a given time.

It stays there all the time and it is always open. It may be only slightly a crack or it maybe flapping in the wind, but it is always there and always open. Sometimes I try to close it all the way, but even if it seems like it is closed, it's not. There is always that space, that little dark space that can never be reached to close all the way. It's there in everything. That little tiny open space is always there day and night even if it doesn't seem to show itself.


The surgeon was still being so gentle and nice and really not quite like the way she had been in the past. So was this really bad news she was telling me?

Actually right now that I'm thinking about it, maybe she was scared that I might blow up like I did in the hospital when the surgery was canceled. wow. I hope not. I was really terrible that day. Maybe she was afraid. wow. Well I didn't blow up. I knew this was a real possibility.

"So what kind of surgery, are you saying I have to have, a mastectomy?" The way she was acting I thought that was going to be the bad news.

"Well from what I can tell about you, you want to do breast conservation so we can still do another surgery to remove more from the area and see if we can get a clean area." She said something like that but not verbatim.


"That's still a choice?"

"Yes, of course!" That was more like her. She wouldn't say that if it wasn't a choice of course.

I just laid there. I was trying to absorb all this again.

Then I asked,"So then since this time will be even more of a guessing game to remove the cancer than the last time, if we don't get it this time, then I will have to have a mastectomy ?"

"Yes, that is correct. We will have destroyed too much tissue to do anymore surgery like this and it would have to be a mastectomy if we don't get a clear margarine this time."

I just laid there as before and tried to get all this in the right place in my brain. Was there room for all this information I had to put away there? How far back did it have to go? Where did it have to be filed?

There was the fact side of everything and there was the emotional side of everything. The emotional side had to have a double lock most of the time. A secret lock. I only have the key and no one else gets it. Most of the time I have to put that data in there and lock it up right away, don't even get to process it much at all til later. Got to put it in there and deal with it later on my own. Let a little out when I decide to and how much.

I locked that in and decided to deal only with the next step of course which was to have the next surgery and hope that all the cancer would be removed.



My sister started asking the surgeon questions, but I didn't hear them.

Then the surgeon said that since it would be a much easier surgery, I wouldn't have to be out all the way this time. We could do it there at the satellite surgery center.


Oh no, was I going to do it there? We talked about that a lot and the Dr. was very sensitive to the fact that I might not want to do it there. But, she had a cancellation there this very week and the sooner the better. Since I wouldn't be out all the way I agreed to do it there.

"It's just tweaking." My sister was saying with a smile.

"I've had twilight surgery twice before and it 's easy. I loved it. It's so easy. Don't worry about it. It's just tweaking, Val." She was comforting me with a soft, happy voice.


She was saying it and kind of bouncing in the chair trying to be really happy about it and supporting me and all that. She didn't want to seem upset about it, I understand. But I thought she was a little too happy about my surgery, honestly. It was a bit strange.

"Ok, ok." I get it.

"I've had twilight surgery twice before myself" or more I wasn't even sure I was thinking.




I know it's so hard for people to be supportive and what in the hell do they do?

What can you say and what can you do? I think the stress for care givers is much harder than most people ever know. I have been there too. I know people want to give you love, support and boost you up and help you some how. They don't know how and the more they love you the more frustrated they are. I know this. Their stress is tremendous and I think might be even as much as the one they love.

The best thing most of the time is simply being there. Your body, your soul. Your quite support, believe it or not. The person that is there to hear everything and know everything. The other person. You are that person. To listen to the loved one. Just listen a whole hell of a lot. Not forcing anything if the person doesn't want to talk, of course. I'm a talker. But, if the person does want to talk, just listen. You don't even have to respond much. You most likely wont say the right thing anyway. Be ready for that most of all. Just about anything you say is a lot of the time is going to be...he/she didn't get it, didn't understand. You simply can't experience what that person is going through or heard. Silence goes a long way. Listening goes even farther.


For me, I don't like things to be trivialized or dramatized. I think I can say this for many people in my situation. It's really not for others to decide anything about my/your experience. This is hard because this is confused with supporting the that person.

For me, my sister telling me that my surgery is just "tweaking" and that it's not a big deal did not really go over well with me.

It would have been better for me to express to her how I felt about it. In this case I was suppose to try and accept how she felt about it. She told me that over and over. She wanted to comfort me and for me to accept that most of all. I understand that, but sometimes it's really hard.



This Thursday, surgery again. Boy.

I'm not looking forward to this at all. I told the Dr. that most people would be more scared about having general surgery and not scared about twilight surgery but I was the other way around.

She talked to me awhile and I just tried to settle down about it. I don't like it one bit. I have had twilight a few times and when I'm not suppose to feel anything I have. Oh well, I never died from it and this will save my life. Just get it over with. It will probably go fantastic. Thursday will be here really fast so I don't have to think about it forever. Just get it done.

I didn't know I would talk and post so much about what is going on for me. I think it is probably way too much, but it seems to be good for me.

I like drawing and painting and photography and guess what, I like writing too. When I was in college I entered a writing contest and one of my friends got so mad at me. She told I couldn't do everything and what was wrong with me? She was really angry for some reason. I never did figure that out and I remember it well.

I'm working on a big drawing now and I'm really getting forward on it finally. It takes a lot of planning and thinking and prework before actually drawing. I call them projects. I love to draw.

When I was in college one of my professors came over to me while I was drawing and made the remark that I really liked to draw. I thought that was the strangest remark. I looked up at him and said of course. I was an art major at a huge art school. He said a lot of students didn't like to draw. wow. I've never forgotten that.